Thursday, August 21, 2008

#31 Astroglide

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Christian women give this to each other at bridal showers and as it is unwrapped they say cheerfully "It's a married woman's best friend!" If you find this unsettling, that feeling is valid.

37 comments:

Simone said...

Is the implication that using lube is the only way to endure sex, which will be exorbitantly paintful due to lack of arousal, resulting in inadequate lubrication?

stephy said...

That is an implication. I guess it can't be an assumption, but the implication is enough to weird me out.

Melissa said...

Well put.

Erick's sister's friends pulled me aside at her wedding (8 months before ours) and explained the wonders of this stuff. I was mortified.

Anonymous said...

Here's a formula that bears contemplation: God created sex (the respective genders and thus the ensuing reproductive act); God only makes good things; sex = a good thing!

Really people, it's not that difficult!

While this has the potential to be the funniest item on the list, it's actually the most disturbing. I'm thankful my wife and I (both Christians) have no issues in this department.

stephy said...

That's disgusting.

Simone said...

I'm surprised lubricant would be introduced since I would imagine its introduction into covenantal sex within a seemingly successful Christian marriage might mean that God does not actually approve of this coitus. The dryness is God saying "Nah-uh!"

I'm sure I seem like an jerk for saying that but it only stands to reason that if missing your bus allows you to see something which is then believed to be a message from God, then so might a dry vagina be such a message. Don't ignore His messages!

stephy said...

Nah, Christians make a big deal about how sex is good and it's God's good gift (see anonymous's quote above). It's a whole other post.

Simone said...

Of course it's God's gift, but if God gives you sex with a dry pussy, you need to question what God is trying to tell you about this particular situation.

stephy said...

A dry pussy makes the baby Jesus cry. The gospel of Matthew says that somewhere, I can't find the reference though.

amy said...

ya, i don't understand the message they are trying to send with the lube tube. Instead of buying the bride a tube of lube, i would buy the bride a viberator. now that would help things out more than the lube and spice things up a notch...maybe they wouldn't even need the lube after vibing for a bit.

Big Rob said...

I'm a very laid back guy until people start talking trash about astroglide. Don't stir up my wrath.

Anonymous said...

don't knock it too much until your entire body chemistry seems to have inexplicably changed post-pregnancy.

Karina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shaw said...

This is the one post I'm actually kind of encouraged by. =) Now I don't feel so bad anymore. Hey, if it's between suicide or astroglide...

Anonymous said...

Christians would not have such a need for lubricants if they stopped circumcising boys. It's pretty clear in the NT that it is not necessary and yet it is still so common in America, and DOES have adverse sexual effects.

shelly said...

I went to a couples shower this spring. One of the gifts received was...well, I can describe it only as a sex starter kit--condoms, lube (KY Yours and Mine, I think), a book on kama sutra, and another one on various sex positions.

Anonymous said...

yeah, you young little chickies will be laughing like hyenas once you hit a certain age. Then you won't be able to get enough of this stuff.

Anonymous said...

Don't get me wrong - secular or otherwise, this stuff is great. But I think they love it cause it's just the perfect amount of "tastefully" naughty. Not to mention after all those years of repression and fear, they probably need it to help get into the moment. ...I won't elaborate on that.

Anonymous said...

I had a hardcore Christian friend getting married and I wanted to get a rise out of her by giving her some "how to" sex guides/lacy nightie. Too bad my plan went flat when she actually got giddy and excited over them. They love this stuff. Probably because it's the first steps towards feeling human without the guilt.

Anonymous said...

I think the idea is that the wedding night the virgin might be uncomfortable as her body is figuring sex out. Not that she will continue to want it around.

M. said...

Lube isn't a good substitute for arousal (if that's the implication, it's creepy), but plenty of women (including filthy agnostics like me) have trouble producing enough on our own. Lube can enhance perfectly excellent sex. Also, it makes condom failure less likely if one is a godless heathen wishing to prevent procreation.

stephy said...

Last week I was at a shower where a pastor's wife (who's been married twelve years) of course gave the bride Astroglide and made the quip "I would have given you MY bottle, but I need it too badly! ha ha!"
It's just interesting...and kinda grody.

Rebecca said...

She obviously hadn't read this blog post! Ha!

I was appalled, as a 16 year old, when my mother told me that she had never really liked sex. I suspect a little Astroglide would have helped.

thisistemporary said...

o.O

don't judge :P

the pressure to produce enough lube on your own "because you're not REALLY turned on unless you don't need it" is just enough pressure to ensure you'll need it.

astroglide is good. spit works too.

Hactar said...

My filthy heathen (really! they're practicing Wiccans) friends have a big bottle of lube on one of their shelves. It's not astroglide, as that stuff gets sticky when it dries and gets really gross. KY isn't any better in that department. I'm not exactly sure what the bottle is for, but most girls I've known (some in the biblical sense, some simply as friends) have needed lube on one occasion or another.

And then it's also quite needed for pegging.

City Councilman Doug said...

What she said....you'd be surprised (or not) at how many Christian men lecture their boys about staying away from teh ghey buttseks yet try to get it in their wife's butt every chance they get.

Steven Kippel said...

I think it's amazing that commentators here think lube is entirely useless unless you're excited enough.

Forget the fact every woman has a different body, and not all women secrete the same amount of lubricant.

No, instead you should mock them and tell them "UR DOING IT RONG! LOL1"

stephy said...

EWWWWW YOU SAID SECRETE!!!!

ElktoothChain said...

Steven's mad because he can't turn his wife on. Haha!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps this is really an endorsement of anal sex.

Anonymous said...

I think the implication with lube being an ... unfortunate ... reality of young Christian brides is that it's possibly because they ARE doing it wrong (of no real fault to either partner). You gotta get in the sexy time mood before going all the way.

But, no, there's nothing wrong with using lube as a desire or necessity, it's just sometimes telling in this context.

Marie said...

I had no idea this was a popular Christian shower gift when I first read this, but this weekend I was at a wedding, and my friend, who is a conservative married Christian woman, told me she had given the bride a "honeymoon starter kit" with lube in it. I was immediately reminded of this post!

Now, I realize that there's nothing wrong with lube, but given the context, especially coming from my particular friend, it implies that sex is a wifely duty to be performed every night regardless of how she feels.

buzzalot said...

What you do is tell your daughters about this stuff before they get married. That it is okay to use if you need it. Not at a bridal shower for Gemmeny sake.

I think it alludes to the fact that the dudes get it whenever they want it and you had better be ready (!!).

ick.

Svend la Rose said...

The need for Astroglide arises because the men are often circumcised, which means their penises no longer secrete their half of the lubrication for sex. Furthermore, circumcised penises require a longer and more forceful stroke to stimulate the 10% - 50% of nerve endings that remain after that horrendous, barbaric, anti-Christian mutilation.

Women don't enjoy sex because their men come to the table with less than their full package.

For more information, see sexasnatureintendedit.com, in which I do NOT have a financial interest.

Lulu said...

I've just discovered your blog and I'm going through all of the old posts, some are interesting and some are funny and precise!

But lube surely is a useful thing!
Some couples just need it because some women just don't produce much on their own and there's nothing you can do about it...
And even if you do, it still always helps to have additional lubricant as well :) It's a great invention.

Anonymous said...

One word: Anal

LOL

Anonymous said...

Post menopausal ladies need the anointing of olive oil.
Signed, Grandpa