Wednesday, October 29, 2008

#51 Fall Festivals


Christians aren't so sure about celebrating a holiday that revolves around demons and evil. Many of them do research about Halloween's origins and decide they don't want to celebrate what orginated as a pagan holiday. Christmas originated as a pagan holiday too, but churches really get into the full swing of Christmas. For Halloween, Christian culture likes to offer an alternative, and that is called a Fall Festival. The community/grace/baptist/non-denominational warehouse church's website will say "who says Christians can't have fun on Halloween?" and then proceed to describe its fall festival.

A godly woman mans the Harvesting Our Blessings booth.

What are you in store for at a fall festival? Hay bales, cornucopias, and white people wearing overalls and straw hats are guaranteed. More than likely there will be a beanbag toss, bowls of Werther's Original candy, and a plywood board with scarecrows painted on it that you can stick your face through and take pictures. The church elders will wear rope belts and bob for apples, trying to be good sports when they really want to be home watching the world series.

The pastor will stick his head through here for a zany picture at some point tonight.

The elders' wives will be busy holding the kids' Bible costume contest. A few rogue kids will be dressed as Disney characters instead of Bible characters but they will never be dressed as something "worldly" like a witch, a devil, or Harry Potter.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

#50 Polo Shirts


You'd think they own stock in them.

(Extra points if it has a golf logo. Bonus extra points if it has a Promise Keepers logo.)


Thursday, October 9, 2008

#49 Spanking


Christian culture endorses spanking as a means of disciplining children. They say they do this in adherence to Proverbs 13:24 which says "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly." (NKJV) But the original Hebrew word for rod, shabat, means a shepherd's staff which guides the sheep. A shabat wasn't used to hit the sheep but it was tall enough for the sheep to always see where the shepherd was and the shepherd used it to pull sheep back from edges of cliffs. It lovingly guided the sheep in the same way discipline, by definition, lovingly guides a child.

However, members of Christian culture won't hear of this. They don't feel that spanking is the same thing as hitting. They will defend it to their dying breath. Christian culture is very concerned that the government may take away their right to spank. Admittedly, patient guidance and giving a kid needed attention and emotional nurturing is extremely time-consuming, especially when you're a busy mom who's had an awful day and you feel like fried hell. But if parents were to give their kids enough individual time, patient guidance and a non-spanking type of consequence, could this possibly be the actual Biblical definition of discipline?

Lots of times children will act up to get negative attention if they aren't getting positive attention. Grown-ups do it too. It's better than nothing. Because most Christian culture families have several children, it's more difficult to give each the necessary attention as the family grows. Possibly because of this, you will not find a Christian culture family of 3+ that does not practice spanking. At the same time, you will not find a Christian culture family who does not have a grown child who has "wandered away," doesn't attend church in their adult life, has a good deal of self-contempt, or suffers from depression. Is it possible that the means of discipline used and the amount of emotional attention given (as they are closely entwined, per the definition of discipline) could be somehow correlated to this?

Monday, October 6, 2008

#48 Inspirational Forwards

Christian culture enjoys inspirational email forwards. These are often sent en masse to everyone in the sender's address book (cc’d, not bcc’d) and they usually feature centered text in varying boldness and font size throughout the message, made wonky by repeated forwards. In 92% of Christian forwards the sender will “challenge” the recipient to forward it on again to someone else. If you do not feel touched by the content of the message then you may feel somewhat ashamed of yourself. If you are outright annoyed by the content of the message then you will perhaps doubt your salvation.

A typical forward of this nature reads very similar to the following example:

From: A Christian in your life, usually an older relative
Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 6:43 PM
To: You
Cc: About 93 people
Subject: Fw: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: 8 yr old's description of God

Don’t miss the great artwork. Man, this one is classic! I hope it brings a smile to your face like it did mine. I challenge you to pass it along to someone who needs a little “blessing”… :)
In Him, Uncle Flanders

A Little Boy's Explanation of God -- Fabulous!!! - Out of the mouths of the

I certainly don't think an adult could explain this more



It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well?
[.... and he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen ! ... ]

'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'

'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'

'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'

'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our

'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'

'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in
heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'

'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'

'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

' shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God.'

(If you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too.)

Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you!