STUFF CHRISTIAN CULTURE LIKES

#224 Saying "I'm praying for you"

2012-01-19T19:55:00.000-08:00

This is one of Christian culture's very favorite things to say. Whether they actually will pray or not is anyone's guess, but it seems important somehow that you believe they will. Versatile and efficient, "I'm praying for you" can be used in absolutely any situation to cover several evangelical bases and tend to egos all at once. With just four words it's possible to establish yourself as spiritual alpha dog and signal an end to the conversation under the guise of bestowing blessing. Delicious and nutritious!

You may not find a less relational phrase in all of Christianese than "I'm praying for you." When said in response to an expression of pain or heartbreak it often shuts the conversation down. The person sharing can feel as if they've been stiff-armed and kept at a distance by the person they were confiding in so they can be passed off to God Almighty. The confidant can easily say this and remain detached, and if you've said it before yourself, it's that much more painful to hear.

People who are capable of casually informing people they're praying for them can't fathom that anyone could possibly have a problem with it. To their ears it's the most wonderful thing to say and anyone taking issue must be a jaded miscreant who's mad at God. (Anger at God is something else Christian culture does not endorse and does not deem permissible, but that's a whole other blog post.) This is a prominent characteristic of Christian culture: they have no idea how they come off. If anyone feels marginalized or dismissed by the allegation of impending prayer, the pray-er will likely interpret this as disdain for the whole of Christianity and take it as a cue to write that person off.

Saying "I'm praying for you" may be as relational as someone in Christian culture knows how to be. They're so busy Doing Things they may not know how to care and be cared for. All they may know is how to do is say things and remain detached, which definitely has its advantages. Actual relationship is a lot of work. Simpler to hold them at arm's length and avoid holding people's hurt than do the counter-intuitive work of bearing their burdens. When someone carries your struggle with you, the most healing form of relationship is taking place, and relationships are how we will all be healed. But they can be messy. It would be nice to keep this spirituality stuff within tidy boundaries. Which brings us to the hallmark of Christian culture: Doing Things and Avoiding Relationship. Keep this commandment and you will keep all the rest.

my religion podcast with david bazan from pedro the lion

2011-12-31T16:34:00.000-08:00

Non-blog-post post: Last week I was on a special religion episode of the Grapes of Rad podcast with David Bazan. He was my Bible study leader ten years ago and isn't a Christian anymore, and we talked about that and the ways that being preacher's kids (which we both are) have come into play. In Part One we all talked about leaving our faith and growing up as preachers' kids and why Newt Gingrich has a chance in hell, American Girls, non-practicing evangelicals (which Dave identifies as), questioning, hating, bitterness, grief, Joseph Campbell, how not knowing is scary, and I also told the story about how Carman grabbed my ass one time. That was in part one and it is here.

In part two we talked about Santa’s influence on Bazan’s view of God, masturbation, how I was in a Dr. James Dobson video in 1991, grief, Christians and therapy, WALL-E (twice!), using “Bug Me Bucks” to deal with ideological clashes at family gatherings, tits and ass, how Aaron and I met at one of Bazan’s Living Room Shows, underdogs and Malcolm Gladwell, abandonment and those you turn their backs on you if you stop believing their religion, Morning Loaf with The Rev. Jeff Breakfast, how being a parent changes things, Bazan and I both attended the same church for awhile, sex scandals with pastors, and leaving church. So part two is here.

It was weird being so open about crazy personal stuff but I hope it helps people, maybe. It'd better or it's all for nothing! Ha.

#223 Scheduling sex

2011-11-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Who does this? Well, it’s a common practice among married evangelicals and is usually performed at the behest of the pastor who did their premarital or crisis counseling.

It’s even common to even hear suggested in a sermon. Unlike high chuch and mainline denominations, Protestant pastors of the evangelical stripe love talking about sex from the pulpit (the married and heterosexual elements always carefully emphasized). The pastor will say “We schedule other important things like quiet times and oil changes. Why not this?” You get the idea that he knows a lot of people in the congregation with near-celibate marriages and you have a sneaking suspicion he’s doing the men a solid.

Christian culture’s take on sex has caused no shortage of self-loathing, book deals, vaginismus and divorce. They aren’t sure how to hold power and danger and carnality alongside personal histories, spirituality and the whole person, so they hedge its pedestal with awed suspicion and then they're bewildered that sex isn’t better. In the grand tradition of Christian culture they once again put the cart before the horse. Not the position, but metaphorically. The wives silently seethe and wield it like a weapon. It’s the best way to exert control over that relationally passive horndog they’re married to. Their church’s Song of Solomon series gets the husband’s hopes up. Maybe she’ll put out if God says to? They resort to scheduling marital congress like the Zondervan books suggested. The husband waits for the appointment panting and wagging. The wife is grateful for each day that isn’t the designated Sex Day and when it arrives she wonders what’s wrong with her. He’s just so eager and unable to connect unless it involves their junk. But the sex date is as good as it gets. At least they’re doing it. A soggy potato chip is better than none at all. Again, this is advice given from the pulpit. Taken at face value (Christian culture's tendency) it’s another way of Doing Things and Avoiding Relationship.

#222 Steve Jobs

2011-10-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

Photoshopped or not? It seems like something that would actually happen.
Answer upside down at the bottom of the page. Kidding. It's photoshopped.

With the passing of Steve Jobs an e-tsunami of worshipful eulogies flooded the interwebs, many of them from the major stakeholders in Christian culture. 94% of pastors, seminary students and church planters were moved to eulogize him this week via Facebook, Twitter and sermon illustrations. Much of the Christian sentiment towards Steve credits his technology with unprecedented gospel-spreading and says God used Apple in spite of Steve's Buddhist leanings. (Being Buddhist would normally frighten evangelicals away from someone’s product, but Steve invented some wicked fun toys so his eastern contemplativeness got a Christian culture hall pass.)

Evangelicals don't seem to be asking after Foxconn, Apple’s supply chain in China with bad working conditions and a worker suicide rate so high that employees have to sign pledges that they won't kill themselves. Christian culture also doesn’t seem very concerned that Jobs never addressed the worker suicides at the company that costs Apple only $6.54 in labor per iPhone. The question “who is being affected by this product?” is difficult to ask, so we don’t ask it. If we did, the answer that would move us to change would also be really difficult.

Let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised

The fervor and sheer volume of Christian culture’s sentiment towards Steve Jobs feels like something close to deification. But what exactly is that, and what’s it look like when it happens? When memorials are built outside of stores and such heavy and careful eulogies are written, we can at least say that’s what we do when we ascribe worth to something. When a corporation makes its billions on the backs of slave laborers, planned obsolescence is destroying our ecosystem and no one in your faith community speaks to this, we can at least say that’s what we do when we don’t ascribe worth to something.

#221 Saying "I'd like to invite you to..."

2011-09-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

"I’d like to invite you to" is a standard phrase in Christian culture. It frequently surfaces during the pre-sermon announcements or the post-sermon wrap-up, and it is a staple in the vernacular of church planting pastors, especially within Acts 29. It is used most often when the pastor is soliciting such things as prayer, church event attendance, and tithes. It is a subtle way to apply a remarkable amount of pressure. The subversive hard sell, if you will.

"I’d like to invite you to" is often followed by the words "prayerfully consider." It manages never to feel like a true invitation, however. "I'd like to invite you to" is too often churchspeak for "This is what you should do if you're on God's side."

(Can be used interchangeably with "I would challenge you to," though this usually references immaterial things like quiet time schedules, attitude adjustments and Every Man’s Battle meetings.)

#220 Dave Ramsey

2011-08-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

Dave Ramsey is the financial guru of Christian culture. He is to American evangelicals what Oprah is to the untoward penurious masses who lean to her, begging her folksy utile wisdom, except Dave is Oprah in this scenario and he mainly talks about money. In that sense he’s like evangelical Suze Ormon but 100% less lesbionic and his advice is coated in Bible verses. This makes him irresistible to Christian culture.

Dave Ramsey: credit card assassin

Every evangelical worth their salt has at least one copy of Dave’s books, usually Total Money Makeover, and has partaken in his Financial Peace University one of the times it was hosted by their church. Most protestant churches in the U.S. have Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University posters somewhere on their walls. They are very, very excited about him. He tells you how to attack your debt and ratchet up your emergency fund using proverbial (literally) gazelle-like intensity.

It’s common sense and really pretty rad. You do your debt snowball and dart around like a gazelle and soon you have a nice little pile of financial peace. Well, maybe. There’s always something, isn’t there. Some people say the more money you have, the more problems go along with it. I think that’s how Biggie put it. Dave has probably figured that out by now with everyone after him about his expensive houses and cars, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

The patented gazelle-skin Dave Ramsey Wallet™

One way to identify a Dave Ramsey devotee is by their Dave Ramsey branded wallet (see above). It isn’t cute, but that only bothers people who are capable of getting upset about accessories. Maybe Dave should have a follow-up workshop called The Total Wallet Makeover. I would like to suggest this one:

Dave likes to say that while you're paying down your debt "If you will like no one else, later you can live like no one else." This could be taken to mean that for now you're living strangely by budgeting so that one day you can live strangely with financial peace. By this logic, financial peace is equated with having a lot in savings. It sounds about right, and no one seems to wonder if it will actually bring financial peace.

Dave Ramsey isn’t just for Christian culture anymore. He’s branching out and crossing into the mainstream like Amy Grant and Jars of Clay by buying advertising on celebrity gossip pages and such. You can hardly go to a nice stupid site like PerezHilton without seeing Dave’s visage leering at you like Jack Nicholson through a splintered door, holding a dastardly credit card whose seconds are numbered. That credit card has been up to no good. Time to get yourself some financial peace.

People have been talking about Dave Ramsey even more since he bought a $4.9 million house. The opinions are pretty polar; everyone is either proud of his success or disappointed that he professes Christianity from his 13,000 square foot home with a bath that has an alleged 18 shower heads. I will let you absorb this. When people ask him how this aligns with the faith he professes Dave has responded with "Most of the patriarchs in the Bible were wealthy,” “You're managing money for God” and “The Bible doesn’t tell you to be poor.” [1] Christian culture seems to swallow this just fine.

Casa de Ramsey

In the comment thread for this article on Dave’s house a woman named Melissa said: “I can't believe he could not come up with something better to do with his money…I have 340 poverty kids that need help where I work - what's the chance. Food banks are over burdened by the needs, I'm trying to find a way to get handicapped access playground equipment…18 shower heads, shame on you.” To this some of Dave’s supporters replied “Melissa, stop being a HATER!” “Dave Ramsey has worked his butt off for everything that he has.” “Get a life, just because you don’t have the common sense to save doesn’t mean you can bash someone who does.” “Can we say jealous?...I’m sorry, but this is America, if you work hard and succeed you may do as you wish with YOUR OWN profits. You people who point a finger and say selfish and wasteful, take a look at how much percentage wise Dave donates and how much you yourselves donate and I feel the three fingers pointing back at yourself will clear up who is in the wrong” and “He earned it. If he wants to live in a 10 Million dollar house, thats is fine. This guy gives more money to charity than a host of Americans.”

Dave responded to some of the criticism in this article, saying it's none of our business but that he tithes ten percent and has a family foundation to which he gives a huge percentage. This kind of answer is plenty for Christian culture. Their thinking goes something like, “Hey, he has been more than generous to tell us he tithes the Old Testament mandate of the first ten percent so everyone get off his godly hind-end.” (While they're thinking this they think hind-end, not ass.) Christian culture doesn’t tend to wonder whether it really isn't their business what another Christian does with their multimillions. They have flexible boundaries when it comes to talking about sexual purity with acquaintances and inquiring after strangers' eternal souls, but fellow Christians' finances are a different story.

It’s reminiscent of that one time (at band camp) when the rich young ruler asked Jesus how to be his true follower and Jesus said “Sell everything you own and give it away to the poor. Then come, follow me." Because he was so rich he got really sad, and seeing his reaction Jesus said, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who have it all to enter God's kingdom? I'd say it's easier to thread a camel through a needle's eye than get a rich person into God's kingdom."

So basically, it sucks to be a rich Christian. Or could getting rid of your stuff also get rid of a lot of your problems, like Biggie said? There’s got to be a reason monks take vows of poverty and can have joy. If you don’t have a bunch of money you have to trust more and that isn’t a fun activity for humans. It’s also just weird. If we don’t go with our straight-line way of thinking and use the paradoxical power Jesus taught that looks for all the world like weakness (what Luther called left-handed power), it seems illogical. Or did Jesus’ weird directives and backwards ways of teaching with parables actually show us some of who he is because they are so counter-intuitive? If you say you follow the teachings of someone who said his followers must give what they own to the poor, you've got a dilemma because no one wants to take that literally. It says the rich young ruler walked away very sad because he was very rich. Of course he did. Can you really have that kind of material wealth and follow someone who said to give it all away?

#219 The word "hubby"

2011-08-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

"Hubby" isn’t often said by neurosurgeons, rocket scientists or most self-respecting intellectuals, but within Christian culture you hear it all the time. It runs rampant in Young Marrieds ministries, amongst pastors' wives, and on stay-at-home-mom blogs which feature lots of Bible verses and recipes.

"Hubby" is rarely spoken in seriousness by anyone outside of Christian culture. Most people outside Christian culture have only heard it in the context of Ben & Jerry's or from British tabloids, and in extreme cases, from an older, socially-challenged female relative. But in the Christian culture vortex you are subjected to this word and all its incarnations ("hubs," "hubby hubs," "hubski") and qualifications (most often "hunky," "hot" and "godly") early on and very often.

The one hard and fast rule concerning "hubby" is that it is never uttered by a man. Christian culture does have its pride, however ambiguous.

#218 Michele Bachmann

2011-08-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

Christian culture is so excited about Michele Bachmann. A self-proclaimed constitutional conservative and founder of the House’s Tea Party caucus, her presidential candidacy nomination has given them renewed hope that America might be reclaimed from the liberal left who are about to capsize this country with their secular socialist agenda.

Christian culture believes that only a born-again leader can keep this country from combusting like the Roman Empire, but the leader must not just say they are Christian (like a certain president who's probably Muslim). They want a leader with all the Christian cultural markings, and Michele has got them: great hair, Oral Roberts degree, lots of homeschooled kids, Republican congresswoman, Tea Partier, global warming skeptic, Obamacare opponent, intelligent design enthusiast, same-sex marriage contender, and a gaydar-enacting husband who runs his own Christian counseling practice. This political résumé is the stuff of which evangelical dreams are made.

Michele says she's committed to fixing Washington’s broken ways by advocating for America’s adherence to the Constitution and would like to bring God back into our government. (This of course presumes that he at one time was there and was ousted.) Christian culture believes God was a sort of honorary founding father who's been kicked to the curb and that the Constitution is based on Christian principles. They generally won't acknowledge the absence of Christian thought in the Constitution, much less any evidence that the founders didn't intend to create a Christian nation. (Christian culture does not like discussing the Deist, Freemason and Unitarian beliefs of the founding fathers—and the Catholics and Anglicans are often put in the non-Christian box as well—nor that separation of church and state means anything besides keeping the state out of the church’s influence within public institutions, but that's another blog post for another day.)

With Michele's MILFy goodness leading the way, Christian culture has renewed hope that this country can be wrested back from the organized resistance groups who have succeeded in undermining their cherished American values and have publicly ridiculed any reliance on their Creator as the sole source of all our national blessings and prosperity. Because to allow that wouldn't be constitutional at all, now would it.

#217 The Ungame

2011-06-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

The Ungame is a non-competitive non-game that enjoys rabid popularity in Christian culture. It exists solely to spark conversation, permits no losing, and is basically a G-rated version of "Have you ever?” in board form. The Ungame manned the helm of Christian culture social gatherings for the entire length of the 1980s secondary to James Dobson’s enthusiastic recommendation.


Christian culture's Good Housekeeping symbol

The Ungame board features a bucolic microcosm of various emotions and life trials rendered in idyllic cartoons. To play you draw cards that dispatch you to places like the Cheerful Chalet and Worry Wharf, and once you get there you are asked things like “When do you get angry?” and “If you had to move and could only take three things with you, what would you take?”


Fearful Forest, Worry Wharf and Friendship Farm await you

Your game piece hops around garnering introspective questions and though you're assured there are no wrong answers, you know better than to answer “Do you like to pray?” with “not really.” If the card asks if you've been unhappy today and you answer in the affirmative, you are sent to the Happy House for a time-out and must forfeit a turn. Such mixed messages, this Ungame.


White people playing white people games.

For the evangelical on the go there’s a travel version. Speaking of mixed messages, at first glance they look like boxes of condoms.

Though Christian culture finds the regular Ungame adequately edifying, there is an actual Christian version in case you really want to get down. The Christian version has two sets of question cards, one for junior highers and one for mature Christians. These questions include “If Jesus knocked on your door today what would you do?”, “Name three significant advantages a Christian has over a non-Christian,” “What is your strongest Christian virtue and how do you use it to advantage?”, “What part of the Christian’s armor was the most valuable to you today?”, “Make a statement about wine” and “Identify a spiritual lesson that can be learned from a fox.” I am not making this up.

The board says “answer honestly” all over it, but can you imagine if you did? Question: “Tell of a time no one else knew about when you were tempted. What did you do and what you would do differently if you had it to do over again?” Better not answer that one out loud in mixed company. “Who is your favorite New Testament Bible character and why?” New Testament, you say? Social decorum demands you say Jesus. “What weakness in Christians most hinders non-Christians from accepting Jesus and why?” Um, maybe believing that you have at least three significant advantages over non-Christians has something to do with it. And you want to know why? Maybe because Jesus didn’t quantify people in that way. “You serve on a philanthropic organization board and recommend Christian ministries worthy of support. What criterion do you use?” Well. They definitely can’t support anything remotely gay or pro-choice, but if they say they give at least 10% of their firstfruits to charity even though their founders live in huge houses, that meets all of Christian culture’s criteria for support worthiness. And last but not least, “Talk about something you like to eat.” As. If. Have a straight guy answer that honestly and Christian culture will rise up and break his ass in half. Let’s work it clean, people. Christian culture says they want your truth but studies show they cannot handle it.

#216 Things that edify

2011-05-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Christian culture wants to edify and be edified. Edification is mentioned several times in the New Testament, basically saying we should do stuff that edifies ourselves and each other. It’s a lovely concept and Christians want to take it seriously. But the Bible doesn’t give a whole lot of specifics as to what is edifying and what isn’t. Christian culture wants to know exactly what that means, so they have filled in the blanks.

Christian culture has guidelines about which sorts of things are edifying and which aren’t. There will be instances in which you find something to be edifying that your Christian culture compatriot does not, and you’ll be afraid to tell them because they are swift to express their concern. In the same breath they are likely to cite Romans 14:19, I Thessalonians 5:11, II Corinthians 12:19 or Ephesians 4 as scriptures which reference edification. This is a good start to an edifying conversation, for real, but should you persist in your contrasting opinion then they are likely to pull out I Corinthians 10:23. Christian culture likes to keep this verse holstered. It’s their trump card. It says “all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial” and it’s often the last word in a ruction such as this. Christian culture doesn’t give much credence to the “all things are permissible” part. Surely Paul didn’t mean that. He says we have freedom in Christ but that is kind of ridiculous. They give weight to the “not everything is beneficial” bit. It usually ends the discussion (and puts a damper on any relationship that was taking place) by quieting the mistakenly-edified party with a familiar dose of shame.

Everyone within the wide expanse of Christian culture knows exactly what is considered edifying. The ideas are so specific and far-reaching that you’d think they’d sent out a memo, yet they’re mostly unwritten and the whole of Christian culture holds to them with remarkable tenacity. For one, everyone understands that you need to choose your friends carefully. This is a big one: you need edifying friends. Common sense dictates this anyway, but when Christian culture says it it’s code for “Christian friends,”or more specifically, “friends active within Christian culture.” The unwritten rule says you may speak with unsaved people or Christians of a weaker stripe but you shouldn’t linger except for intentional, directed witnessing. You should also be an edifying fixture in your workplace. Your coworkers should be aware that you are a Christian, otherwise any edification you might bestow on them would not receive its due as being explicitly sourced in Christ.

Edifying movies and television programming are insisted upon. Edifying speech is another big one. There is to be no gossip (except by the prayer request loophole) or coarse joking. Dick jokes are verboten. Helen Keller jokes are pushing it. Your speech is to be edifying in the manner that Christian culture says they are edified by. This is why you hear people say “I’m really ticked” or “P.O.’d.” (Christian culture knows nothing of the Greek word scubula aka shit which Paul used with the Philippians, but that’s another blog post entirely.)

Edifying music includes Christian radio, new country, Celine Dion and Coldplay. Carrot Top is edifying. Neil Hamburger is not. The Stuff Christians Like blog is edifying. This one, not so much. Worship leaders work their tails (not asses) off to bring you the single most edifying worship experience every Sunday. At conferences they urge fellow worship leaders to examine the songs they lead. First off, they say, are the words Biblical? Does it teach about the Gospel? Is it Christ-o-centric? Does it stir my soul to worship God? Have I myself worshiped the Lord in listening to this song? I guess NWA and Gwar are getting crossed off the worship roster. No gosh-darned way. The worship leader says he is opening up more to other styles “but if the end result is that if I’m not worshiping the Lord as I listen to this song, if it does not stir me one bit, if the truth isn’t solid, and if the melody doesn’t match well with that truth, I don’t know why I would lead it at my church.” They really say that: the melody must match well with that truth. Bet they won’t be singing “Come Thou Fount” to the tune of “Killing in the Name,” even though that’s a well truthful song.

Abstract art isn’t considered edifying. The abstract scares Christian culture. They aren't edified by anything not overtly literal or immediately accessible. They prefer art that is easy to “get,” especially if it represents creation. Talking about one’s sinful past does not edify unless it’s for the sake of sharing your testimony, never for the sake of reminiscing. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling? That seems a little crazy. Better stick with the culture’s ideas of what’s edifying just to be on the safe side, and school those who get it wrong. You can’t possibly be edified by that. Would you use that language if Jesus were here? You’d watch that movie if Jesus were sitting next to you? No you would not. Christian culture is sure that they know. It’s what they do.

Here are some handy graphics to guide you in your next interaction with Christian culture.

Here's one more thing Christian culture finds edifying:

...but this picture makes them nervous.

#215 Not secular humanism

2011-04-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

Humanism is the most fearsome philosophy known to Christian culture. The only thing more frightening than humanism is secular humanism. It is right up there with socialism and voodoo.

Secular humanists are considered by Christian culture to be extremely dangerous. Once someone is called a secular humanist by an influential entity in Christian culture (i.e., famous pastor, head of your household, a book by Zondervan) anything they have to say will be dismissed out of hand. It’s a perfect example of ad hominem reasoning.

#214 The Dove Awards

2011-04-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

If a Christian tree wins a Dove Award in the forest and only Christian trees are there to hear it, did it make a sound?

The Dove Awards are Christian culture’s version of the Grammys. Grammy Awards are given to secular artists and Dove Awards are given to musicians in the Christian music industry®. But as we’ve discussed in previous posts, when Christian culture makes their own version of something secular it turns out a bit gimpy. It kind of hobbles around like a clone of a clone of a clone.

If people within Christian culture think the quality is inferior, they don't say it out loud. But non-Christians are baffled by the quality and content of contemporary Christian music. My atheist friend said today, “I just never understood why contemporary Christian music has this weird slick sheen over it...it just always sounds so sterile and soulless. Seems like an odd way to express spiritual hunger. Jars of Clay should be called Plastic Jugs of Urethane.”

Sometimes Grammy and Oscar winners refuse their awards because they don't believe in ranking beauty and art. Maybe that is more spiritual than Christian culture award ceremonies. Because in the kingdom of heaven, my worship song about God is no better than anyone else’s song about God, because in the end it is about God, right...? Why are they ranking and awarding each other?

This is a Sears commercial, right? Not professional enough to be JCPenney, but A for effort, gang.

#213 Forbidding your husband to have female friends

2011-04-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

Married men in Christian culture commonly experience wifely pressure to lose their female friends. Many married men outside of Christian culture feel the same pressure for the same reasons, but with different enforcement tactics.

When married couples suffer spousal insecurity or distrust the standard methods they employ include threatening, ultimatums, and passive aggression. Christian culture couples do all of these too but can also play their trump card: divine retribution.

When men of any religious or non-religious stripe get married their female friendships often become endangered, but it’s a certain breed of endangerment that’s exclusive to Christian culture. Christian culture has submerged them in the thought that all women pose a threat to fidelity and therefore to a marriage. Either by wifely influence or of his own cautious volition, the newly-minted husband becomes standoffish with the female persuasion.

Once married the husband is rarely seen without his wife hovering at his elbow. Saying little, she shadows him in the foyer before and after church and stands extra close if he talks to girls. Opposite sex relationships in Christian culture become strained around junior high, when the youth groups are segregated by gender and warned against the wiles of the other. From that point on they view each other with conflicted suspicion. Under the right circumstances they could be overtaken by their sin nature and destroy their entire future in one moment! Hence the extreme caution. The newly married friend soon becomes almost impossible to even say hello to. Once he’s unfriended you on Facebook, you’ve officially lost another friend to the marital abyss.

#212 Growing Kids God’s Way aka Babywise

2011-04-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

96% of parents in Christian culture own a copy of Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. The alternate version, On Becoming Babywise, is the secular edition, written by the same people but with all the God stuff taken out.

Growing Kids God’s Way enters your house by way of a church friend who loans it to you with ecstatic recommendation. “You can finally get some rest once your baby sleeps through the night! It just takes some discipline at first but it pays off!” The exhausted parent likes the sound of this. That baby sure is needy. Wakes them up every few hours to eat and stuff. The parents would like some sleep too so they don’t feel like fried hell all day. Plus, it’s God’s way. It says so right in the title. The Ezzos’ infant management plan (as they call it) enacted that very night.

It sounds reasonable enough. Put your baby on a schedule, what’s wrong with that? Schedules make children feel secure. But to schedule-ize your newborn you must let it cry. A lot. The Ezzos instruct you to be strong and not give in. They believe babies begin to show their sin nature early by crying for multiple feedings and encroaching on the parents’ schedule. They say that if you feed the baby when she cries, you are teaching her that the family revolves around her. And that’s not God’s way. (Or is it?)

Earnest Christians in the subtle trappings of Christian culture want to follow everything their church recommends, especially if it’s deemed to be God’s way. Per the counter-intuitive Ezzo guidelines, the baby is not fed when hungry but is woken from sound sleep so it will get on the mom’s schedule. The Ezzos reassure you that eventually the baby won’t cry so much and you’ll get eight hours of sleep a night by the time she’s two months old. But…why? The book’s implication is that the rest you get and control you’re exerting over your household will make it worthwhile. No validation is given to the primal mothering instinct. You can’t explain instinct. To the black-and-white thinking that sovereign in Christian culture, instinct is to be mistrusted and if at all possible, disregarded. There is no discussion about why God would endow mothers with such a strong instinct, either. No thought seems to be given to the emotional connection between parents and their children that is formed through “inconvenient” nighttime feedings and the like. No assertion that Jesus said serving others, especially the least of them, is serving him. No credence is given to the ways parents grow as people through the trials of parenting. Christian culture wants themselves a schedule and by golly, a schedule they shall have.

People enjoy books on what the Bible says in lieu of reading the Bible itself. It’s a daunting study, the original languages and contexts at all. People are content to believe what they are told about contexts and interpretations rather than go to the actual texts themselves.

Babywise may be the epitome of Christian culture mentality, coaching you to change your instincts or at least ignore them.

Further reading: Reviews and professional analyses of Babywise, Growing Kids God's Way and other Ezzo-authored material here. LHJ article here. Salon article here. Two YouTube videos from Babywise-endorsing mothers here and here.

#211 Taking pictures with poor foreign children on missions trips

2011-03-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Christian culture’s preoccupation with third-world countries has fostered many a missions trip. Homelessness and hunger are right under everyone’s nose but the social dichotomy in North America allows you to stay reasonably oblivious to it. Besides, it would be a little obnoxious to conduct a slideshow for your church using pictures of yourself with the vagrants in your own town. But Africa…now there’s a slideshow worth mentioning in the bulletin.

So the earnest Christian sets about raising support to travel to Togo or Kenya or Guatemala or what have you. The trip is around $2500 per person. That could go a long way to help the hungry in their hometown, but they want to experience a different culture, like that of Africa or Tijuana or Central America. They want to visit a culture that has drastically fewer possessions and heavier pigmentation than they’re used to. You couldn’t do that in your hometown. Or could you? Staying in a shelter or on the streets with the needy in your zip code would be a giant culture shock to your privileged ass. But still.

Back from the odious mission field, the earnest Christian brandishes the trip photos online and displays them to the congregation via church service slideshow. The impoverished people in the pictures appear overcome (understandably). The missions-minded gringos appear well-fed and dressed to play golf.

Now that they’re home they seem really interested in talking about the Great White Hope they presented to the unsaved savages and the schools they built out of cinderblocks. They seem so invested in your knowing what they’ve been up to it seems they’ve had nary a second for self-reflection. But who really knows.

Meanwhile the local needy, the hungry and impoverished and lonely and scarred remain just down the street from the megachurch that sponsored the pricey missions trip. Admittedly, it’s harder to drop that demographic into conversation when you’ve just spent time helping them, whereas an overseas trip is good for a Facebook photo album and the aforementioned slideshow. We can’t know for sure what their motives are, but something seems a bit off. When Jesus said to help the needy, what did he mean?

auf Wiedersehen

2011-02-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

My contract with Beliefnet is up and I'll be back on my own ad-free domain again. Beliefnet has been really lovely to me and I appreciate their letting me write whatever I want without trying to censor anything. I will be back on my blogger domain sometime this week, after I figure out how to export everything....

love,
stephy

#210 Mandatory chapel at Bible college

2011-02-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

Most Christian colleges require students to attend chapel services. Chapel is not an option, it's part of the curriculum. If you don't fulfill your chapel quota, you don't graduate.

Though Christianity purports to operate under the auspices of grace and generally claims that church attendance isn't something God grades you on, Christian culture doesn't see it that way. All that Christ-given freedom could get out of hand. That there freedom needs some good old-fashioned, Torah-caliber parameters. They can't just let those students roam around free, pointing their bodies wherever it seems like a good idea. Leave it to religious institutions to take something wildly esoteric and beautiful (such as as the gathering of believers in worship) and then find a way to monitor people's performance and grade them on it. Christian colleges know they can't actually make you worship, but they can make you appear to worship, and that's good enough for them.

So how exactly do you appear to worship? You just have to get your arse into chapel. If they could read your mind or inventory your heart they would, but they must settle for counting your presence in the sanctuary. In spite of all this chapel enthusiasm, you don't have to attend every day. Some schools require 3 chapel attendances a week, some say seventeen per semester, etc. This of course engenders criminal mischief as students seek to evade chapel attendance. At schools where video imaging is used, seniors pay the freshmen to go to chapel in their stead (a camera in the ceiling records who is sitting in which assigned seat, so as long as a body is in your spot you are absolved) or if they have a card system they do the Slide 'n Glide, where you scan your student ID at the chapel entrance and promptly bail.

The chapel services themselves start with some introductory praise 'n worship led by one of the three hottest guys on campus and his pained expressions. He likes to look up at the vaulted ceiling and intermittently close his eyes while singing, and every straight girl in the building prays again to be the future Mrs. Sexy Guitarist as a way to sublimate her lust.

Chapel is also where you assess the spirituality of your fellow students. If you are right with God or would like people to think you are, you will stand while you are singing and sway around and maybe close your eyes and lift up your hands a little bit, especially if your friends are. If you aren't right with God and feel terrible about it (chronic impatience with your roommate, repeated helpless making out with the guitarist, not having consistent quiet times or not witnessing enough), you'll sit down and lean forward and radiate humility. Sometimes your friends who know your struggles pat you on the back while they sing or they'll sit down and put their arms around you (and boy do they look like awesome friends when they do that). If you aren't right with God and you don't care, or if you are right with him but you think mandatory chapel is a crock of shit, you might remain sitting and whisper to your friends just to make the people who are standing feel uncomfortable, because you're pretty sure that if you are judging them then they are judging you.

After praise 'n worship you have either liturgical prayers or Scripture readings, depending on how reformed your school is, and then the Dean of Chapel delivers a message or homily (so named depending again on degree of reformation). It is a rare homily in which sports are not the primary analogical inspiration. Most people nod off or do homework at this point. Guest speakers frequently give the chapel homily. These speakers are usually balding males who are running for some kind of Republican office or assisting someone who is running for Republican office, and the message is on how God is using their campaign to make America more godly. Other times the message is given by students. These messages always feature a slideshow from a recent missions trip and an accompanying tale of the difficulty they had at first to keep the right attitude in the intense heat with no running water, and they always conclude with how much the trip changed them. There aren't very many female guest speakers at chapel, come to think of it.

Time passes quicker if you can manage some light petting, as James Dobson calls it. Whenever you are in a university chapel you are surrounded by couples with perfect clothes and hair snuggling and holding hands and rubbing each other's backs and playing with each other's hair. Then there's always a mad rush to get to class once the service is over. If you went to the trouble of going to chapel you would like for everyone to know it, so while waiting for class to start you will discuss the chapel speaker with what you hope is intensity and dissect the theology in the message while using as many big words as possible. You can tell which people didn't go to chapel that morning because they're the ones keeping quiet. Also, they're already seated and they aren't out of breath.

If you haven't fulfilled your chapel quota by the end of the semester, you are placed on Chapel Probation. Depending on your school you are then required to attend make-up chapels, pay a fine, or do a report on a Christian book for every mandatory chapel missed. On top of mandatory chapel, some schools require you to attend church as well. Church attendance is harder for them to monitor so it operates on the honor system, and you are exhausted and bored to tears from all those mandatory chapels, so you usually don't go and say you did. This of course has the side effect of extra guilt, as if you didn't have enough guilt already at Christian college.

#209 Perceiving persecution

2011-02-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

Christian culture is vigilant about persecution. Jesus said being persecuted goes with the territory of following him, and some of those followers are really on the lookout.

Christian culture sees persecution in all sorts of things and they often say they're under attack. The institution of marriage is under attack, the right to life is under attack, free speech is under attack and on top of all that, the liberal media tries to make them look dumb. Although they say free speech is under attack, they have no use for the ACLU. Some of them call it the Anti-Christian Liberals Union or Anti-Christian Litigation Unit.

Christians say they expect to be persecuted or maligned, but when it actually happens they can be quite indignant. Once criticized/attacked/persecuted they often experience bewilderment, quickly followed by (self-) righteous anger. "How could they possibly perceive me that way?" Well guess what, my Christian cornhole, maybe you've just been given the enormous gift of honest truth. Proverbs says that an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips, and if someone just told you the truth then you are not being persecuted. (Sorry.) If it really is persecution, the Apostle Paul said you are blessed for it. Being defensive is your ego talking and it shows that you don't really trust the one you say you believe in. So tell me again, what was it that comes before a fall? Oh, crap.

This post originally appeared on Beliefnet. The original post and its comment thread can be seen here.

#208 Missionary dating

2011-01-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

When someone in Christian culture meets a delicious non-Christian they will usually try to assume a missionary position with them.

Missionary dating is when you date a non-Christian for the express purpose of proselytizing so as to instigate their conversion. Youth group leaders heartily disapprove of missionary dating. It is the subject of many a youth pastor sermon.

They say there is nothing inherently wrong with dating a non-Christian but that it is unwise (the line between being unwise and outright sinning appearing blurry and rather mobile, it is often moved about with authority but not always with biblical backing. This helps color in those gray areas). The pastor will sometimes say that scripture indicates that the Christian's faith actually sanctifies the non-believer in the relationship, but is quick to add that this does not mean dating a non-believer is a good idea. The pastor will also cite the verse "bad company corrupts good morals" and use the term "slippery slope."

In missionary dating the missionary figure takes the unsaved-savage figure to their hip (Christian culture's version of hip, anyway) church and hopes to win them with its display of community and cultural relevance. But people can sometimes smell an ulterior motive, and this sixth sense has foiled many a lustily prayed-for conversion.

#207 Marrying young

2011-01-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

Christian culture gets married young. The reason isn't entirely clear, but the general consensus is that it drastically lowers the risk of fornication. You just can't fornicate if you're married, and that takes care of that.

Fornication is Christian culture's natural enemy. Bible colleges (aka "bridal colleges" - what did I tell you?) require students to sign a convenant stating they won't drink, swear, be gay or have premarital sex. But even Christian students at secular universities roil under biblical sex mandates. When you combine guilt with evangelical horndogs you get a lot of marriage proposals and short engagements.

Even apart from the sex issue, Christian culture highly recommends getting married. The overarching message is "once you find the person God has chosen for you then everything will fall together, your life will finally start, your ministry will really get off the ground, and your problems will be solved." The notion that your problems could really just be getting started isn't even in their frame of concept.

When your earnest Christian ass graduates college without a boyfriend or girlfriend, you are peppered with questions by family members and people at church about when exactly you will get yourself an eligible Christian companion. Then once you have a boyfriend or girlfriend you are peppered about getting married already. The peppering is combined with concern that you are not "living right" and possibly Doing It outside the confines of marriage. The unspoken message is deafening.

The ideal marrying age in Christian culture is 22, when you're fresh out of college and haven't even been to Europe, lived away from home apart from a dorm, or paid one installment on your student loan. To people outside of Christian culture this is sheer madness. But the people in Christian culture are relieved that the fornication window is finally closed and they can now set busily about writing Facebook statuses that they're married to their best friend.

Soon after the guileless, low-budget Christian culture wedding you can expect them to start popping out babies. If they're not trying to get pregnant by their second anniversary, they may not be full-fledged evangelicals.

#206 "You are now entering the mission field" signs

2011-01-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

89% of evangelical church parking lots contain one of these signs. The signs are never positioned so that you see them while you're driving into the lot. They're placed so you can only see them as you're driving away.

The implication is that you were not in the mission field while you were on church grounds, but in a cozy bubble away from pesky non-believers and moral miscreants.

Some churches post the sign above the church exit. Maybe they're reminding you that even the parking lot is a battlefield.

Other churches post the sign on your way out of the sanctuary, maybe as a heads-up that there could be some spiritual warfare in the narthex.

To my knowledge no one has ever posted one of these signs on the way into a church building, even though a lot of the time you are safer away from a church than inside of it.

#205 Capitalism

2010-12-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

If you have spent time within American Christian culture, you have probably inferred that free-market capitalism is God's chosen economic system. American evangelicals are some of capitalism's biggest fans. Christians in many other parts of the world cannot believe this. They have no idea how someone could reconcile capitalism with the teachings of Christ. But in true American spirit, they seem to be reconciled by sheer force of will.

For every ounce that American Christian culture loves capitalism, they detest socialism with equal passion. The reasons for this are murky. If you decide to ask an evangelical how it is that they can subscribe to both capitalism and Jesus' teachings, you should be aware of a few things.

First of all, evangelicals tend to become defensive when asked how capitalism is embraced by people who say they follow Jesus. I mean, in my experience, they will really get their dander up. If you want to have a peaceable, copacetic exchange then you probably shouldn't broach this subject in the first place. But if the Christian you are dealing with doesn't seem to derive their identity from their politics, you might have a reasonable shot at a productive conversation. (A word of warning: even though a conversation is peaceable it is still possible for them to dismiss you. Dismissal is a handy tactic that allows one to remain outside of relationship while superficially appearing to engage you and is Christian culture's modus operandi. Just a heads up.)

This post originally appeared on Beliefnet. The original post and its comment thread can be seen here.

#204 Not giving money to the homeless

2010-12-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

When encountering someone holding an "ANYTHING HELPS" sign, evangelicals will sooner pass them by than give them money.

There's an unspoken bias in Christian culture that is skeptical of those asking for a handout. They wish the homeless would grab those bootstraps already and start yanking. But they are faintly aware of what Jesus said about the poor so they will sometimes give them food, but never cash, citing that they might use it to buy drugs or malt liquor.

When stopped at a light by a needy person holding a sign, the typical evangelical might rifle around a bit and see if there is a granola bar or Swiss Cake Roll to give them but they will not give them money. If the person stopped ahead of them sticks a dollar bill out the window, there's a good chance an evangelical will say "They're just going to go get drunk with it. Sighhhhh."

#203 Using visual aids during sermons

2010-11-29T14:26:00.000-08:00

Nothing gives your sermons that extra something quite like visual aids. They're the only kind of AIDS Christian culture openly embraces. Ha ha haaaaaa but seriously, folks. The pastor really wants to keep your attention. He reckons a visual aid will make his sermon that much more intriguing and applicable.

In non-denominational churches and many Baptist franchises you stand an excellent chance of getting a visual aid with your sermon. Visual aids during sermons will never be found in the mainline denominations or in Episcopal/Catholic churches. Those guys do not follow the evangelical trajectory and wouldn't even consider such cloying gadgetry.

Some common evangelical visual aids are vines (for a vine-and-branches sermon series) and a wall (for any number of biblical references to walls, literal or figurative). Pastors like to walk around and brandish the vines, or stand and sit on the walls. Then there's the prop bed for the have-married-sex-for-30-days sermon. They're making it interactive, y'all.

The sanctuary's screen is a lax version of a visual aid, but it's a visual aid nonetheless. It's mostly used to display the words to non-hymnal worship songs and count down the minutes till the sermon begins, New Year's Eve style. Lately they're being used to illustrate points and display audience-engaging images (engaging the audience being a priority in Christian culture), as well as just flat-out ask for money (see below). No beating around the bush here.

Then again, some energetic pastors forego gadgetry and just try to make their speaking as engaging as possible. Do veins popping out of your neck count as visual aids?

#202 Elisabeth Elliot

2010-11-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

Elisabeth Elliot is an exalted figure amongst evangelicals. They regard her with similar reverence which with Catholics regard the Virgin Mary. She is most widely known as the widow of Jim Elliot, the missionary who gave what he could not keep to gain what he could not lose. Her book Passion and Purity recounts their chastely tormented five-year courtship and became the de facto dating manual for Christian culture in the '80s and '90s. Subtitled "Learning to bring your love life under Christ's control," it is responsible for countless Christian breakups and no-kissing vows after its readers became "convicted" about dating.

Passion and Purity decries impatience, praises "biblical" gender roles, and displays Jim's love letters to Elisabeth which should be in a collection of their own, so raw and throaty is Jim's eloquent agony for Elisabeth, or at least for his idea of Elisabeth. Jim tells her he is waiting on God for the word to marry her, and she shares her own beautiful diary entries of the time which say she was "clogged with wishes" and "oozing ache." The table of contents is scandalous to the youth group mentality but it was somehow given a pass by her Christian editor, the chapters titled things like "Four Bare Legs In A Bed" and "Little Deaths" (which seems an unwitting and ironic allusion to le petit mort). Separated by school and the mission field, Jim wrote to her "I have you now unravished" and "Thunder of great Heaven! What gaping bliss that would be tonight!" which made yet-unravished teenage girls swoon, then vow to stay pure if it meant someday a man would write them letters like that.

An exigent theme of the book is Elisabeth's assertion that kissing is superfluous and kind of stupid, and that she "deplore(d)" seeing couples parking (this was in the 1950s). The youth group demographic ate this up, and it may have single-handedly ignited the "Waiting until the altar to kiss" phenomenon that we've been discussing with morbid fascination.

Elisabeth has said many times that the theme of the book is to bring all you do "under Christ's control." But Christian culture is looking for steps to follow in all scenarios, so frightened they are of their own humanity that they cannot see how their humanity and spirituality could co-mingle to God's satisfaction. And so taking steps is in order. Elisabeth's example is simple and clear-cut and Christian culture took after it in earnest. They love agreeable bits of information served up on small plates.

Passion and Purity was also largely responsible for Christian culture's next de facto relationship manual I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which was written by a guy this time (a preacher's kid! represent) and is a most agreeable blueprint that explicitly defines "defective dating" and decries the worldly notion that love and romance are to be enjoyed "solely for recreation." This book became the new manual for evangelical dating and even reintroduced the courtship model as allegedly biblical and a deterrent to heartbreak. The increasingly popular courtship model as Christian culture's answer to dating will be discussed in a future post, and with great enthusiasm, I might add.

#201 Dry weddings

2010-11-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

The dry wedding is the standard sort of wedding in Christian culture. Sparkling cider is all you get. Dry weddings are mind-boggling to Anglicans, Catholics, mainline denominations and Europeans, but to the evangelicals that's just how it is.

Alcohol often isn't permitted on church grounds, especially in the Bible belt, so if your reception is in the fellowship hall then it's out of the question. But even off-site receptions for those in Christian culture serve no alcohol. The devout avoid being photographed while holding tea or cider lest it be mistaken for an adult beverage.

Many who now consider themselves Reformed were raised evangelical and for them drinking is newly permissible. At these weddings there is sure to be a showdown. The evangelical parents of the bride and groom might say they may have wine at the reception if they pay for it themselves, but this holds an unspoken message that there will be a relational price to pay if they defame their Christian reputation by serving wine.

#200 Ovation guitars

2010-11-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Worship leaders want to strum. To do this they need an acoustic guitar, but they're hard to mic without getting a lot of god-awful feedback. The solution? An Ovation, the tinny-sounding, plastic-backed guitar that needs to be plugged in to sound only halfway crappy.

Ovations have a signature tone that lends itself to the new country genre as well as contemporary Christian music. Ovations often have barbed wire or patriotic lore etched on them and a cutaway for bitchin' solos. Very Nashville. Now the worship leader can play campfire-style praise songs in the capacious worship arena, feedback-free. Problem solved!

#199 Countering the gay agenda

2010-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Christian culture feels the recent anti-bullying legislation is a subversive means to infiltrate the vulnerable younger generation with the homosexual agenda. The It Gets Better Project addresses the epidemic of suicides in gay adolescents who have been bullied, so you might think the staunchly pro-life Christian culture would champion this effort, but the gay issue seems to supercede suicide prevention.

Christian culture is deeply afraid of some sort of indoctrination by homosexuals. At this website they say "Gay activists realize that if they can capture the hearts and minds of the next generation, they will, for all practical purposes, have won the culture war." There's that culture war again. The fact that Christian culture is so invested in the idea of a culture war is interesting because the Jesus they claim to follow didn't promote a culture, but rather a consuming love that casts out all fear. The fact that Christian culture is so frightened makes you wonder what their motivation is.

Jesus said the world will know his followers by their love. Ask some gay Americans if they've felt cared for and sought out by someone who claims to be a Christian and chances are they will say no. Interestingly, in many of the videos on It Gets Better bullying victims say that Christians and the church have induced much of their shame and fear. If Jesus spoke of love more than anything else and never addressed homosexuality once, which of the two might he be concerned with? Christian culture tends to couch "confronting" gay people with the truth about their sin as being loving. People in Christian culture don't seem to see themselves as being as sinful as they think gay people are. But claiming to follow God while refusing to humble yourself dooms all of us to repeat history as the Pharisees wrote it.

#198 Saying "freaking"

2010-10-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

Replacement swear words are a key component of the Christian culture vernacular. The Christian who aspires to be relevant is often particularly fond of saying "freaking" while talking about the things of God. They feel it is risky, but not so much so it would actually make God mad. To really say the eff word would be going WAY TOO FAR.

Some common manifestations of freaking in Christian culture include:

"God is just so freaking awesome!!!!!!!"
"God blew the freakin' doors off the tomb!"
"I love Jesus and there is not a freaking thing you can do about it!"
"Andy Stanley pastors a freaking huge church."
"Do you frickin' believe the Word of God?"
"The devil doesn't need a freakin' advocate...he's doing pretty well all by himself."
"Our new church website is so freakin' cool looking! (I've gotta quit saying freakin', I'm a freakin' pastor for crying out loud!)"

When a pastor uses "freaking" from the pulpit or in his blog he expects to get some disgruntled feedback from some older stodgy legalists, but he considers this minor collateral damage compared to the young souls he will influence for Christ by speaking their language. Dawg.

#197 Multi-site churches

2010-10-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

As evangelical churches vie to become bigger by use of business tactics, they're outgrowing their buildings. As such, the multi-site church has sprung whole from the American business model.

A multi-site church has a main campus and many smaller spawn called satellites that operate under the auspices of the parent church. (Vocab words are in italics.) The satellite church is sort of a sequel to the original. It's of the same lineage but everyone really likes the first one better, though in Christian culture they won't say it out loud. People prefer the original because that is where the charismatic pastor man who started the whole enterprise speaks live and in person.

His title is teaching pastor, preaching pastor or lead pastor, and he very seldom appears in person at any of the satellite churches. The satellites are basically theaters sprinkled around a 50 mile radius (sometimes larger) as overflow reservoirs. At these satellites the lead pastor's visage is beamed onto a big screen as he preaches live from the main campus. People assemble in the satellite buildings to sing worship songs, listen to the real live campus pastor make announcements, and then watch the main-attraction pastor speak via satellite. Everyone who attends accepts this arrangement as fine and even good.

When you see a pastor preaching on a big screen, there is a .0042% chance you would ever be granted a personal meeting with him. Again, this is accepted by the general populace as okay. The New Testament pastors understood they had a shepherding role over the church and felt a personal relationship with each of the members was vitally important, but this aspect of the ancient church is falling by the wayside as technology advances. What can I say, holograms are pretty cool.

This post originally appeared on Beliefnet. The original post and ensuing comment thread can be seen here.

#196 Not yoga

2010-10-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

Christian culture has a big problem with yoga. To them it's a gate to the fires of hell. Its roots in pagan Eastern religions are the main problem. Even though Easter and Christmas are pagan festivals that Christianity incorporated as worship traditions, Christian culture is convinced that yoga is a trap to lure you into Satan's jaws. Where there could be room for God in the gaps, they tend to assign those gaps to the demonic. You know, just to be safe.

This sermon sums up the evangelical take on yoga. And I quote: "If you sign up for a little yoga class, you're signing up for a little demon class. That's what you're doing. Satan doesn't care if you stretch as long as you go to hell." Well that oughta cut down on evangelicals stretching, lest they hurtle down the slippery slope into eternal damnation. Maybe you'd better not do Pilates either, just to be sure.

[This post and its original comment thread are archived here on Beliefnet.]

#195 Theolojizzing

2010-10-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever been moved by the pithy Chesterton quote or pastoral challenge to Do Something wants to issue quotes and challenges themselves. People who fancy themselves to be philosophical or spiritually minded have been getting off on spiritually-flavored musings for millenia. Now, with the advent of the internet, we're forging new frontiers for Christian culture's favorite pastime.

Blogs do the job (see this one right here) but Twitter is fast becoming the preferred venue for Jesus-flavored self-promotion. It's like the Aeropagus (ancient philosophers' mecca in Athens) of cyberspace. Twitter is where the whackmasters convene to impress themselves with their gospel-y one-liners and congratulate each other on their...achievements. "Good word, brother. Amen." "Great insight!" After tweeting he/she enters his/her refractory period and and F5's the page to see how many time they've been retweeted. Oh yeah, right there. Another RT! Say my name, bitch! Hang on, something else is coming to me, something pithy and ecclesiastical. I gotta tweet this.

Legions of Augustine and Spurgeon devotees are theolojizzing all over the internet and Christian culture is cheering them on. Theolojizzing is a fun distraction and easier than the real thing. The real thing happens in the context of relationship and all its pesky inconveniences. Quicker to rub one out and tweet something that sounds profound and call it bearing witness to the gospel. The gospel Jesus taught requires sacrifice and community and bearing each other's burdens, but why go that route when you could hang out at the virtual philosopher's cafe? There's got to be a reason Luke only spoke of the Aeropagus (aka Mars Hill) disparagingly. Ooh, I should tweet that!

This post originally appeared on Beliefnet. The comments and conversation that followed are here.

#194 Marketing spirituality

2010-10-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

This is Jim. He could become a member of your church if you play your cards right. So we've done a lot of research to figure out what will make him want to commit to church membership. As an American he's already an expert at consuming things so we've figured out how to help him consume spirituality. All of this is in the Bible somewhere. We don't have a reference for it, but it doesn't really matter because we're getting people in the door. Quit dissenting. You're trying to tear apart Christ's bride.

So what you want to do is get Jim plugged in so he'll become a member and your church will grow. It's all about being consumer-friendly. Our market research indicates people are nine times more likely to return to a church that is hip and convenient and affirming. And you have to impress upon them some semblance of community, so try to rally some of that. True community isn't always convenient or fun though so that's a tough one. We use the natural flavoring theory, like the chemicals they call natural flavors that taste just like the real thing. Jim probably won't be able to tell the difference and if he can he won't want to stick around, which is just as well because then he'd ask a lot of questions and wouldn't fall in line. So anyway, we've researched what will get people to plug into your church and we are selling it to you, the earnest upwardly-mobile modern congregation. It's a few thousand bucks but you'll make it back good-measure-pressed-down-shaken-together-running-over style in the lifelong tithes from all those white-collar members you'll nab. Blessings!

#193 Hooking up with the youth pastor

2010-09-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is a time-honored evangelical tradition which Christian culture is loath to speak of, yet everyone who grew up in Christian culture knows youth pastors (plural) who were deposed due to the dubiously defined Moral Failure. And those are just the ones who were caught.

The youth pastor's fall from grace is never less than gory. Once found out he will either make a tearful public confession, feebly defend his shredded reputation, or both. He is then ceremoniously fired and flees town under a spectacular shower of emotional fallout while the abandoned youth group reels from this strange new trauma which Christian culture has no idea how to handle. In their heads they replay the years of Purity Talks he gave whilst conducting clandestine activities on the side.

Post-scandal, these pastors sometimes go on to be youth pastors in other churches. This usually happens even with the hiring church's full knowledge of his past. Youth pastor gets older, high school girls stay the same age.

This post originally appeared at Beliefnet, comment thread is here.

#192 PDA via Facebook status

2010-09-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

Not all people who do this are Christians, but 93% of them are. The remaining 7% are rogue non-Christians who are unabashed corndogs.

If you are fortunate enough to have Facebook friends who do this, you know it often begins with the wife praising her husband in her status. Once she's posted it's only a matter of time before the freshly lauded husband reciprocates using his status. Other times the husband commits Facebook PDA completely unprovoked by a glowing review. When you see this you can't help but wonder if he did something dastardly and is trying to get out of the doghouse.

Couples who do this don't think that their Facebook PDA could possibly violate the intimacy of their marriage or nauseate innocent bystanders. They believe they are blessing everyone by sharing their joy. If you are part of a PDA couple who is unfortunate enough to have nauseous Facebook friends, those friends may think your need for people to be jealous of you is stronger than your marriage.

Married people who are not Christians generally don't engage in cyber foreplay. Christian culture might counter that this is because Christians have better marriages, but the divorce rate in the church would not support that hypothesis.

#191 See You At The Pole

2010-09-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

See You At The Pole Day is upon us. Not to be confused with See You Next Tuesday, it is an annual event in which students pray at the flagpole of their school before classes start. It's touted as a great way to reach out to your school and minister to your friends and it happens to combine two of Christian culture's favorite things: public spectacle in the name of evangelism, and the American flag.

I don't mean to brag, but I participated in the first annual See You At The Pole in 1990. We held hands in a circle and prayed for the lost people at our public school with its liberal agenda and pro-evolution curriculum. People (pagans) hollered at us while we prayed, saying something to the effect that we thought we were better than they, which was true. When the bell rang we went to class feeling rather smug and keenly aware we had just Taken A Stand for our beliefs, eager for the persecution it would bring.

#190 Calling anger bitterness

2010-09-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

Christian culture doesn't have a lot of room for people's hurt, especially when the hurt was caused by the Church. As such, when someone expresses frustration with God or church dealings, Christian culture's impulse is to label it bitterness and cite a verse.

Christian culture doesn't really know what to do with unsavory emotions like anger. They think Jesus' anger and turning over tables was great and holy, but they consider anger in themselves and others sinful and shameful. For this they often suggest an attitude adjustment.

When you try to share your frustration with an evangelical, you may reasonably expect one of these responses:

"Careful, your bitterness is showing."
"You need to repent of the root of bitterness has taken hold in your heart."
"One of Satan's most effective and popular schemes is bitterness."
"A bitter, sour Christian is one of Satan's greatest trophies."
"Quit whining. Get to worshiping."
"You need to change your attitude."

Christian culture is big on Changing Your Attitude. It's a lot more convenient than digging up ugly realities and the source of hurt, which caused the anger, which if not dealt with can lead to bitterness. Easier to label it bitterness straightaway and shame them for it in hopes they'll quiet down. But Christian culture's M.O. is Doing Things and Avoiding Relationship. It's a lot easier this way, but the price you pay is that you can't be a whole person.

This post originally appeared at Beliefnet. The original post and its comment thread can be seen here.

#189 Not The New Pornographers

2010-09-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

A Christian college in Michigan recently acquiesced to pressure from its supporters after scheduling The New Pornographers to play on their campus. Rumor says the band name is an ironic reference to Jimmy Swaggart's (the Abraham Lincoln of Christian culture, or at least the President Taft) infamous statement that rock is the new pornography, but Christian culture isn't exactly known for its grasp of irony.

The school states they had invited the band in keeping with their "rubric of engaging culture through a Christian lens" and say they "remain committed to the difficult, yet important work at faithfully engaging popular culture." But this was a little too much culture to take. They couldn't explain the satirical name to enough people and for fear that their Reformed institution be thought pornography enthusiasts (and perhaps lose some alumni funding?) they issued a statement that they just couldn't explain the band name to everyone. But if a Christian college is that concerned about being thought to endorse pornography, they might let the nefarious internet activity on Christian college campuses speak for itself and remove all doubt.

#188 Hipster Christianity

2010-09-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

Christian culture is sure there's a way to be cool and be a Christian at the same time, they just don't know what that way is exactly.

Christians feel tension between being in the world and not of it, and they feel it hard. Christian culture exists to bridge the gap, but they're always aware they're not quite getting it right.

Unfortunately, if you need to announce that you're cool then you cease being cool. Like being classy or humble, proclaiming yourself as such means automatic disqualification. But Christian culture forges past this social code and labels its music, publications and thinking as hip, relevant, progressive, countercultural, innovative and cutting edge, but it can't avoid its signature move, which is being five to seven years behind what is actually cool in the mainstream. Bless their little hearts, they try so hard.

This post originally appeared at Beliefnet. The original converesation and comment thread is here.

#187 Contemporary and traditional worship services

2010-09-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Evangelical churches are big on customer service. The last thing they want to do is alienate certain demographics, so many evangelical churches offer at least two services to accommodate generational differences. With separate traditional (old people) and contemporary (young people) worship services, the two generations need not co-mingle while singing worship songs that half of them don't like.

The traditional service always goes first, usually at 9 o'clock or thereabouts. The reasoning appears to be that older people go to bed early on Saturday nights right after Huckabee is over, so they'll be up and ready to make it. The traditional service has "classic" "hymns" and worship songs that the more mature congregant is presumed to enjoy. The contemporary service starts around 11 am. It's assumed that all the young upstarts were out doing What Young People Do On Saturday Nights, so they start things later and sing extended anthems to Jesus in which the word "I" is used a lot.

The separate services make co-mingling of the generations less likely, but the church leaders might figure that wouldn't happen anyway. They don't seem to think young people would want anything to do with the older people and maybe vice versa. Fostering these relationships isn't a priority and besides, it might be too much to expect the young people to stick around during lame hymns. That wouldn't "appeal" to them. To create a bigger draw, they delegate someone with flat-ironed hair and guyliner to lead worship. The outsiders feel like they're being advertised to, and the congregants get the same message, if only on a subconscious level.

Some churches tout a night worship service if you just can't get your ass out of bed Sunday morning. The underlying missive: you get up early for work and school, but doing it for the sake of kingdom community on the weekend is asking too much. Point taken.

#186 Witnessing on airplanes

2010-09-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

People in Christian culture feel pre-witnessing apprehension whenever they step on a plane. Whomever they sit next to will have been placed there by the Almighty for the specific purpose of being witnessed to, right there, by them.

Christian culture regards airplanes as excellent settings for evangelism. Air travel invokes a heightened sense of mortality which can only help the earnest Christian's pitch. A popular tactic is to read a Christian-flavored book in hopes it will spark conversation. Another benefit of the airplane setting is your captive audience. The person on the receiving end of the witnessing is strapped in and held hostage. Should they say "I'm not interested in talking about this" however politely, the Christian will usually relent but often with a disdainful comment indicating they've just made the biggest mistake of their eternity.

This post originally appeared on Beliefnet. The original post and its comment thread can be seen here.

#185 The stay-at-home pastor's wife

2010-08-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

There is an unwritten rule in Christian culture that pastor's wives do not work outside the home. Once married, most pastor's wives relinquish their vocation and set about the full-time business of wifedom. They are very earnest in their mission to be their husband's support, encourager, and Proverbs 31 vixen.

Most pastor's wives are indeed college educated (though often partially), having secured their husband by way of their university's Campus Crusade ministry. The rest of them met at Christian college where most everyone is looking to mate for life. If said wife does work outside the home after they are married, she will without question quit her job when they start having children. (And they will have more than one. You won't find a pastoral couple who has only one child. It does not exist in nature.)

The pastor's wife keeps extremely busy with her homeschool curriculum, coordinating the children's ministry at church and leading Beth Moore bible studies. But once the kids are grown and out of the house it is common for the pastor's wife to get her real estate license. This is an excellent business move, for from here she automatically becomes the real estate agent for every single person in the congregation.

#184 Saying "Now, I know what you're thinking."

2010-08-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

This is a fun little catchphrase that every pastor keeps chambered. They use it after saying something they imagine was startling.

Common uses of this phrase in sermons include:

"I know what you're thinking. Isn't God supposed to be a loving God?"

"I know what you're thinking. Pastor Ed, are you going to lecture me on the evils of alcohol?"

"Now I know what you're thinking. Crazy preacher man spouting off at the mouth about the whore of Babylon and some such."

"Now I know what you're thinking. Pastor Mark, what do you mean I should tithe more than 10%?"

And the most common version:

"I know what you're thinking: easier said that done."

This psychic revelation is often followed by "I'm not here to lecture you" or "You'd better believe it."

#183 Not the mosque at Ground Zero

2010-08-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

Much of American Christian culture opposes the Ground Zero mosque. They say their main problem with it is the disrespectful locale, but they often go on to say that Islam is probably going to annihilate America (a.k.a. "God's nation" in Christian culture) before long and they'd feel a lot better if those sneaky Muslims weren't setting up shop underfoot. As is their wont, they tie their Christianity to this argument, however tenuously.

The Christ whom these people purport to follow taught embracing and honoring of all people (including Muslims), but Christian culture seems to have swept that nugget under the rug.

This segment of Christian culture is ready to hold all Muslims reponsible for the actions of extremists, but if extremists' actions don't align with what Islam teaches then it seems their religion wouldn't actually be Islam. By the same token, people who call themselves Christians but don't practice what Christ taught often aren't Christians at all, and even though they claim to do things in his name, their actions speak much more loudly. Funny thing, that.

#182 Swank church buildings

2010-08-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

American evangelicals enjoy posting pictures of their swanky church buildings online. These evangelical churches typically expend great effort and spare little expense to make their worship and gathering facilities intriguing and relevant.

As megachurches build out, they're under greater culturally-imposed pressure to make each of their satellites a little hipper and that much more relevant than the last. They've gotta reach people, you know? Who wants to visit a boring-looking church with lame fonts and hymnals? The ancient church's mission is relegated to the backburner. They are now primarily seeker-friendly.

These churches are very proud of themselves when they've completed a remodel. For hundreds of thousands, sometimes millions of dollars, wouldn't you be? They're excited to get the pictures on Facebook and in the paper to show off the building, which is always charming and dreamy. It looks happily air-conditioned and they've got snacks! And it probably still smells like drywall. I want to visit it. I bet I'd feel like no terrorist could get me there.

In order for a Christian church to spend that kind of money on this type of thing some substantial cognitive dissonance must be in effect. Ghettos and homelessness are in the same communities as each revamped state-of-the-art church building. In the south, the poor and homeless tend to stay safely away from the middle and upper classes which makes them easier not to think about. On the coasts, poverty and homelessness are usually on the same block as awesome new church buildings that have security systems and espresso in the lobby. In either case, it's super easy to stay away from the poor and needy or just step over them on your way to church. Same goes double for the rest of the week. Just like Jesus said to do. Glory to God!

#181 Jim Elliot

2010-08-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

Jim Elliot was an evangelical missionary to Ecuador who was killed by the tribe he tried to convert. He is now blisteringly famous within Christian culture for being a martyr of the faith.

Everyone in Christian culture knows that it was Jim Elliot who said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose," and most have written it on the inside cover of their Bible at some point in their evangelical career. However, most of Christian culture can't name the other four missionaries who were killed along with Jim. They're Pete Best in this scenario, and Jim Elliot is Ringo.

#180 Quiet times

2010-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

The quiet time is a hallowed institution in Christian culture. It is also known as spending time in the Word. The phrases "quiet time" and "in the Word" are interchangeable and are exclusive to Christian culture.

Christian culture has lots of handy hints on exactly how to have a quiet time. There are books and websites that tell you how long a quiet time should be (industry standard: 15 minutes on average), when it should be (first thing in the morning is ideal) and what kind of attitude you should have (a good one).

The Psalmists didn't always follow this prescription and in half the Psalms they're angry and railing on about wanting death and destruction for their enemies. To Christian culture, this isn't a very good attitude. But God must have liked these honest prayers enough to make the Psalms the prayer book of Israel.

Christian culture also has a handy acronym to assist you in your quiet time: ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). To them it's an ideal order in which to pray. Interestingly enough, the prayer Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount put supplication (give us this day...) before confession (forgive us our debts), and omitted thanksgiving entirely. Work that one out.

#179 Abusing "awesome"

2010-08-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Awesome" is Christian culture's favorite adjective for God. It is their default descriptor for him.

It is also their favorite adjective for their particular church, a challenge that their pastor gave, any assorted ministry, last night's time of fellowship, the upcoming leadership conference, the annual men's retreat, their new Hebrew tattoo (they're working on a sleeve), the iPhone 4, and their spouse.

In contrast, this word is not thrown around by Catholics, Anglicans, or Protestants of the liturgical stripe. It's one of the cultural divides. If it's a "blessing" or somehow poignant, then Christian culture deems it awesome.

#178 Proposition 8

2010-08-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

With the overturning of Prop 8, Christian culture is certain the end times* are upon us.

*The "end times" are the eschatological writings which depict a time of tribulation that precedes the return of the Messiah, i.e., what the Left Behind series was about.

#177 Family bumper stickers

2010-08-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Christian culture likes to display their families in stick-figure effigy on their vans and SUVs. They would like for you to know how many children they have, their approximate ages, sports interests and gender. When you see these stickers you can be reasonably assured this family identifies themselves as evangelical. You can be assured they do if the sticker has a scripture reference on it.

Some of these stickers even have each child's name on them. Good thinking! And don't forget the pets. They'd be gutted if you left them out. In an impressive lack of guile, the proponents of these stickers don't think they're any kind of invitation for home invasion. What better way to alert paroled pedophiles to your exact number of children? What's better, they can just follow you home.

A fun variation on these stickers is the Disney version. From these you may reasonably infer that this family is affluent enough to go to Disney (Land or World) regularly. Those stickers may as well say "Follow this car and case our house, we have more money than we have sense."

#176 Not Anne Rice

2010-08-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hoo boy, they're pissed! Last week Anne Rice said she's done with being a Christian and Christian culture is indignant. But in her statement it seems to be an issue of semantics. She's actually claiming Christ and rejecting Christian culture, but Christian culture has chosen to get their dander up. They don't seem interested in her personal experience behind the statement and have decided to take issue. The natural progression here is that they feel they must internet-rebuke her (the technological rebuke: the rebuke of the future!) and love-her-but-not-her-sin and all those things Christian culture gets off on. So here it is again, the marrow of Christian culture: Doing things and avoiding relationship. Hmm, I wonder why she would want to renounce all this. Anne, can I come with you? I'll bring salted caramels.

#175 The term "faith-walk"

2010-07-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

Christian culture is the only demographic to employ the term faith-walk. Christians of the non-evangelical stripe can infer what faith-walk means when they hear it, but the word is not in their vernacular. Only evangelicals use this one.

When Christian culture says faith-walk they are referring to a period of time that began when someone placed their faith in Jesus. All time henceforth is their walk...their faith-walk, rather, if you will, even.

When someone's faith-walk is "tested" or their faith falters, Christian culture takes a dim view. Christian culture doesn't feel that times of trial and disbelief can be a good or necessary part of someone's overall faith-walk. They feel instead that in such struggles God is made sad. And if someone claims to abandon their faith altogether, Christian culture considers this to be a great tragedy. They don't tend to look at the whole picture or remember that the story isn't yet over. Rocky spots in a faith-walk are considered to be an unfortunate hiatus, like a mysterious gap in a résumé or the missing 18 ½ minutes in the Watergate tapes. Even though the Scriptures say that God would have us be hot or cold instead of lukewarm, Christian culture insists that lukewarm is better than cold.

#174 Public polls

2010-07-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

The evangelical pastor frequently conducts unscientific polls from the pulpit, and the evangelical congregation consistently responds in the affirmative. Common pulpit questions include:

"Who's glad to be here today?"
"Are you excited about Jesus? I tell ya, I'm excited about Jesus."
"Anyone here have a heart for [insert guest speaker's specific ministry]?"
"Who's ready to lift their hearts in worship for the Lord?"
"Don't we serve an awesome God?"
"Wasn't that an incredible call to action?" (said by whichever pastor takes over after the teaching pastor speaks)
"How many people here love God? Let me hear your hands." (Let me hear your hands is your signal to applaud.)

The worship pastor tends to poll more often than other varieties of pastor. Of all the pastors, he seems to appreciate your response the most. Polling is a way for him to engage the congregation and perhaps banish some stage fright. But it's possible and even likely that the questions don't engage the congregation as much as they apply social pressure for them to respond verbally, thereby giving the appearance of engagement. Maybe it's just as well. Christian culture values appearances. A lot.

It is somehow understood that each question from the pulpit (or from the headset mic, if your church is relevant) only has one acceptable answer. No one ever responds with a "no," or at least not out loud.

This post originally appeared at Beliefnet. The original post and its comment thread can be seen here.

#173 "Essential" Bible guides

2010-07-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, that book is essential? Do you have any documentation on that? Besides Zondervan's, I mean. Was it found with the Dead Sea Scrolls? Was it translated from Greek or Amaraic or Hebrew or from the Vulgate? Was it written on parchment or papyrus? Or maybe on some golden plates found in New York state. Did you have to use special glasses to read it, like Joseph Smith? At what point does Christian culture consider something essential and at which point does it veer into the territory of the Latter-Day Saints' sacred texts? That would be an automatic disqualifer, wouldn't it, as Christian culture has a definite opinion on Mormonism, and it isn't good.

But maybe you didn't mean your book is actually essential to understanding the Bible and the word essential is just for marketing or to emphasize how good you think the book is. If that's all it is then I'm sorry, I misunderstood. But you did say essential.

#172 Calvin praying at the cross

2010-07-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

Bumpers and rear windows across America are rife with stickers of Calvin either peeing or praying. The original Calvin never paused to pray at a cross in any of the Calvin & Hobbes cartoons, but Christian culture has taken it upon itself to concoct such an image and mass-produce it as a bumper sticker.

The other stickers show Calvin peeing on such assorted effects as American vehicle manufacturers, Osama bin Laden and NASCAR numbers. Bill Watterson never gave his permission for Calvin & Hobbes stickers to be sold but this hasn't deterred their production. Calvin didn't do any territorial/desecratory peeing in the original cartoon either but these bumper stickers are still seen en masse across the red states and in a few blue ones as well.

Maybe Christian culture feels that if Calvin is shown praying instead of peeing then it's okay to nick his image, since it's for a good cause. Maybe Calvin is praying forgiveness for pissing on everything. But why Calvin, of all cartoons? Is it a veiled reference to John Calvin? Or a far-fetched reference to C.S. Lewis? Calvin's mean teacher is named Mrs. Wormwood and Wormwood was a character in The Screwtape Letters and Christian culture reveres C.S. Lewis, but that's about four degrees of separation and this is getting complicated. Would the person who had the idea to make Calvin-cross-stickers please speak up? We'll grant you immunity if you'll just explain yourself.

#171 Church iPhone apps

2010-07-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Churches that fancy themselves relevant, missional and/or emergent either already have an iPhone app or are working on one as we speak.

These churches are very excited about their apps. Some church websites explain that they are embracing technology the way the Apostle Paul embraced technology to spread the gospel (breaking technology being the Roman road system), and the printing press was a technological advancement that was used to print the Bible, then came amplification systems and stadiums and Billy Graham crusades, so the iPhone is a natural progression of state-of-the-art gospel mongering. Some sites also add that their Church App is "a powerful, flexible solution for reaching people in a fresh way." Christian culture is all about the fresh approach.

The church app has everything that the church website does so a smartphone can just as easily go to the church website on their phone even without an app. Then why make a church app at all? Maybe then the relevant church wouldn't have a new media ministry project to herald and assign task leaders to and throw money at. But who really knows.

#170 Dramatic key changes

2010-07-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

After singing the chorus nine times in a row the worship team likes to kick it up a notch. Literally a notch, one step up from the key they were just in. The key change always occurs towards the end of a praise and worship song and signifies that the end is nigh.

Church-flavored drama sweeps the sanctuary. You might get goosebumps or nausea, depending on your personal resonance or baggage surrounding the whole church thing. The worship team is really getting into it now. Every eye closed, every expression pained! You may feel the key change was intended to work your emotions, and you may be right.

#169 Relevant pastor-speak

2010-07-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

A current phenomenon in Christian culture is for church leaders to speak with a certain cadence and inflection. In the same way newscasters have their own industry-wide manner of speaking, so does Christian culture.

The church leader endeavors to speak with earnest approachability that is simultaneously sincere and authoritative. He doesn't want your mind to wander. He is going to engage you. The gospel of Christ has captured people's attention for like 2,000 years but he isn't taking any chances. You're going to pay attention to what he is saying, or at least to the fact that he's saying it with the same cadence, tone and inflections as every other church leader and conference speaker.

You will observe this brand of pastor-speak in all occasions when the church leader or the aspiring church leader speaks in front of a group or into his webcam. He does not use it in normal chit-chat unless you get to talking about premarital sex or some other subject upon which he wishes to educate you. Please enjoy these two examples of ubiquitous Christian culture speak. It's a relevant sensation that's sweeping the nation.

#168 Africa

2010-07-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

Christian culture sure does like Africa. It is their continent of choice for missions work. If you grow up in American Christian culture you hear so much about Africa that you have a strong suspicion that God will make you a missionary there when you grow up. You learn in Sunday school that Amy Carmichael prayed for blue eyes every day and then she grew up to be a missionary in India and thus her brown eyes help her blend in better and that's why God didn't give her blue eyes. You are pretty sure God will do something like that to you even though your eyes are blue, but he'll probably send you to Africa and not India like Amy.

As a product of Christian culture, your understanding of Africa is comprised entirely of lions, elephants, and unsaved savages, and you are only vaguely familiar with the political unrest and economic corruption there but you've inferred somehow is that if Africa were a Christian nation then they wouldn't have these problems. Then one day you might read The Poisonwood Bible and think, hmm, maybe all these missionaries aren't actually doing what Jesus said to do. Maybe some of them don't even know Jesus at all. Then you might think "What if Christ and Christian culture aren't really on the same wavelength?" Then you might start a blog about the disparity between the two and Beliefnet might take a liking to it and ask to sponsor it and put ads on it with IQ quizzes and graphic pictures of people's muffin tops. And all because of Africa. Isn't the universe strange?

#167 Visual media

2010-06-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

As the multi-campus "meta-church" structure gains popularity, visual media (as they call it) is necessary for HD sermon broadcasting when the pastor is teaching from, well, one of the multiple campuses. But videoscreens and jumbotrons are also necessary for the videos that are sure to be displayed.

A church video is often produced by the church's creative team who work closely with the worship leader. It will feature lots of smash-cuts and white flashes set to Christian music that sounds like Nickelback. (Although they want it to sound like Coldplay.) The purpose of a church video is usually to tell an inspirational story, introduce a sermon series, or to get you "pumped up" for worship.

The presence of the video screen tells you that this church Values Technology and wants to be Culturally Relevant. These same churches often encourage tweeting during church and have a church iPhone app. The nuances of these technological treats will be discussed further in a future post.

#166 The Sinner's Prayer

2010-06-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

The sinner's prayer is an assortment of confessions that Christian culture deems necessary for salvation. Not to be confused with the Lord's Prayer, the Sinner's Prayer is not found in the Bible.

The sinner's prayer is Christian culture's litmus test for salvation. "Have you prayed the Sinner's Prayer?" is the ultimate question for those unsure of their eternal repository. If death is imminent, this is the type of prayer an evangelical would guide you through. In this sense it is like the Catholics' last rites, but an evangelical wouldn't cop to this. We've already discussed how they feel about Catholics (see here).

#165 Camping out on a verse

2010-06-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

When the pastor is about to expound on a segment of scripture he likes to say he's going to camp out on it. "We're just going to camp out on 'predestined.'" or "Let's camp out for a minute on the term 'false witness.'" Camp out = this is going to take awhile.

The pastor learned a lot of fun trivia in seminary and now he's got a captive audience. If he has a doctoral degree and not just an MDiv he wants to impart to you the original language nuances and subtext. If he considers himself to be emergent or relevant he'll try to be edgy and entertaining about it. Their sermons are often the longest. One word can take up the whole thing. I once heard a pastor say he was going to camp out on the word "the."

Camp out can also be used interchangably with unpack, as in "We're going to unpack this verse." When you hear either of these, settle in, it's going to be a long haul.

#164 Reserved parking for the pastor

2010-06-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Pastors are known to get territorial in the parking lot. In most protestant church lots there is a sign reserving the primo space for the pastor. The assistant pastor and worship leader sometimes have their own spaces too, but the lead pastor's space is always closest to the building.

Even small churches have reserved pastor parking, but it is most commonly seen at megachurches. The more mega the church, the more likely there is a reserved sign. But churches so mega that they are multi-site don't need pastoral parking spaces at all their satellites where the pastor appears via videoscreen. His reserved space is at the lot from whence he preaches, and dollars to donuts it's occupied by something status-y which of course was bought with tithes. You will be hard-pressed to find a pastor of a large church who drives something unremarkable.

#163 Unattractive church secretaries

2010-06-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Some pastors make it a practice to hire staff they aren't attracted to in order to reduce temptation. This is an excellent tactic, as anyone who has gone to church for awhile can tell you at least one story about a church sex scandal. It's always the same: someone in church leadership showed the hot secretary his wiener, and that was that. Sometimes the cast of characters varies but it always plays out like this: once found out, the pastor puts on a great display of remorse and tears his garments, but it's curtains for him. His wife and kids are never the same and his career options are pretty much shot. He's run out of town or decides to leave out of disgrace and his family tries to patch their lives back together but it's a tough row to hoe. Now he's wishing he'd hired that sweet older lady with the mom jeans and neck moles.

#162 Grape juice in lieu of communion wine

2010-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Several strains of Christian culture are quite adverse to wine. Many Christian churches in north America use grape juice instead of wine for communion even though Jesus served wine at the Lord's supper. Within these churches, wine is absolutely not an option. If you even brought it into the church building many members would have a big problem with it and there would be some angry comment cards and that sort of thing. Never mind that Jesus drank wine; they are going to forge a narrower path than he.

If you ask, say, a Baptist about Jesus's drinking of wine they will tell you that the wine back then was a lot less concentrated, that Jesus drank wine because it was a safe way to preserve grape juice, or that it was necessary because the drinking water was unsafe. If you ask them about Jesus turning water into wine they will tell you there is no evidence that he drank any of that wine or that he told anyone to drink it. And that settles that. In fact, for many southern Baptist deacons and church staff, drinking any bit of alcohol is grounds for dismissal. They sign to it.

By the same token, other strains of north American Christian culture have recently been busting out of alcoholic oppression and are feeling rather fancy with their freedom in Christ. They like talking about wine and knowing things about wine and discussing theology over glasses of wine. They feel more enlightened than those fundamentalists tethered to their old notions of Scripture. This type of Christian wants to make sure you know they are savvy and relevant in this manner and will often specify in their blog profile that they like good wine, not two-buck-Chuck.

#161 One-piece swimsuits

2010-06-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

Christian summer camp is strenuously anti-flesh. They want as little as possible on display. Since they are basically running an evangelical kennel for high school horndogs, they must keep lusting at bay not only to please Jesus but to maintain some semblance of public order.

Every Christian camp enrollment form states "one-piece only for girls," usually in those exact words. Sometimes they even add "two-piece swimsuits" to the What Not To Bring List just for good measure. All bits must be covered by law but Christian camp adds an extra step and makes sure all female stomachs and backs are covered as well...covered by thin...wet...spandex, that is. The logic follows that this extra fabric cuts down on lusting and pleases God or something.

The one-piece swimsuit rule implies that boobage is better wrangled by a one-piece than a two-piece, but this is categorically false. Whilst laying out on one's fabric-covered back, side cleavage oozes into armpits more copiously in a one-piece than in a bikini. Christian camp does its darndest to keep lusting at bay, but gravity always wins.

#160 Bible verse as Facebook status

2010-06-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

When Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" the Christian's answer is often a verse. And just as often, dozens of people (presumably also Christians) click that they "like" it, no matter how obscure the reference. It begs the question, if their pastor or his wife made Ezekiel 23:20 their status, would everyone still be compelled to like it? Unfortunately we will probably never know.

People firmly enmeshed in churchiness "like" these statuses (stati?) with great consistency. Those less fervent (backslidden, perhaps) "like" them more selectively.

When a Christian or former Christian sees a friend's status verse and does not click that they "like" it they usually endure a pang of residual guilt typical of Christian culture aftershocks. Fortunately it only lasts a few seconds, which is more than I can say for most Christian culture residue.

#159 Screen printed dress shirts

2010-06-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

When his Ed Hardy hoodie is just too casual, the discerning gentleman opts for a screen printed dress shirt.

This type of shirt is a favorite among posturing evangelicals and Las Vegas date rapists. It appears en masse on the Vegas strip and at Christian conferences that emphasize creativity and relevance.

The screen printed dress shirt is their uniform staple. The other components of the uniform are copious hair product and jeans that cost more than a therapy session.

The owner of the screen printed dress shirt doesn't just wear it, he "rocks" it. Whenever you spy this type of shirt you can be certain that individual owns a MacBook and clothing by Von Dutch.

Feelin' fancy at the church website photo shoot.

This guy's got at least three. Hat trick!

#158 Censoring the comments

2010-06-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

When you leave a comment at a Christian's blog there is a good chance it'll say "your comment will be visible after approval." It will not say "if your comment doesn't express overt agreement with the post or offer some sort of praise for the blogger, there is a slim chance your comment will see the light of day," but that's sometimes what they mean. Some bloggers let their comments post immediately but if the comment isn't particularly flattering or asks a pointed question, it stands a good chance of being deleted once the blogger (or his minions, if he's high on the food chain) sees it.

Within Christian culture they tend to only publish the comments that praise the blogger's godly character or say what a blessing he/she is to others. Pastors of mega- or multi-campus churches are a prime example. If their blog even allows commenting, try leaving them a neutral or inquisitive comment and see if it makes it past customs.

Here is a pop quiz. Which of the following is an actual, published blog comment and which is a comment that has been denied publication at a pastor's-or-random-Christian's blog? Pick A or B:

A. "You have been an inspiration to thousands and a blessing unto this world."
B. "I am curious as to why you don't make your salary public and why you drive such an expensive car."

A."You are our gift from God. Thank you for answering His call."
B."I've tried to set up a meeting with you but they keep telling me you don't meet with people personally."

A."I want to thank you for imparting your wisdom to myself as well as others. Your godliness is an inspiration."
B."You said you are accountable to a team of people, and I am curious who that team is accountable to."

A."In the eyes of God, few people upon this earth have ever spread the gospel with such conviction and sincerity."
B."I'm wondering if you're going to address the congregation about the domestic violence report that came from your household."

If you guessed the published comments were A's and the denied comments were B's, you get an A+.

Many Christian congregations aren't encouraged to approach the pastor if something he says or does seems sketchy or unbiblical. Within American Christian culture it's common for the pastor to be seen as infallible or an untouchable celebrity rather than a friend and companion in seeking God. This mentality comes in handy for deflecting any concerns about the pastor's actions or teaching. Surrounded only by positive feedback the pastoral staff's ego metastasizes and Jesus diminishes. You can certainly do this, but don't call it Christianity.

My religion podcast

2010-05-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

The Grapes of Rad podcast I was on the other night is up now. Religion was the theme and we kind of told our stories and people called in to tell theirs and talk about what they struggle with and what they're glad of and what they're resentful of. So you can listen to it here and leave them a comment if you like.

#157 Lost

2010-05-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Christians love Lost like they love 24. They're currently mourning the finale and discussing it with anyone who will sit still. They loved its arresting portrayal of journey and American folk eschatology but feel it lacked a solid worldview, to their chagrin. Christians love a solid worldview.

They object to the Universalist belief system they say is the overarching philosophy but its talk of the "next life" and the struggle for redemption made this series irresistible to Christians. Right now there is surely a book on how to find Jesus in "Lost" being rushed together by Zondervan or something.

(Jacob the immortal protector reads Everything That Rises Must Converge. Oh so rife with allegory!)

#156 Hedges of protection

2010-05-21T16:46:00.000-07:00

When praying for someone's safety, Christians use the phrase "hedge of protection."

They just can't help themselves.

#155 Sharing a Facebook account

2010-05-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

Not all Christian couples share a Facebook account but the people who do tend to be Christians. The reason for this is unclear. Actually, both are unclear: why someone would share a Facebook account, and why Christians do it the most.

People who have shared Facebook accounts tend to forget we can't tell who's updating. Jeremy-N-Wendy just updated their status, but which one is it, Jeremy or Wendy? Guessing is required. When their status is something like "Jonathan&Sarah is counting down the hours left in the Obama administration" that could well be either Jonathan or Sarah. It's easier when a gender-specific activity is mentioned. Stati* like "ToddAndMelissa The 'Hawks really cleaned up in the draft" and "Josh&Heather is harvesting my peas on Farmville!!!!" require zero guessing as to which spouse made that update.**

Sharing an email address is another prevalent internet trend in Christian culture. This will also be explored in a future post and it will also have no satisfying conclusion.

* That's Vulcan for "statuses"
**In Christian culture it's unlikely the wife would be playing fantasy sports or that the husband would confess to playing Farmville. Outside of Christian culture you may need to wonder, but within it, gender roles are pretty pervasive.

#154 The word "backsliding"

2010-05-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

Backsliding is a word used by Christians when people fall away from the faith. The adjective form is "backslidden," the present participle is "backsliding," and if you want to sound southern about it the past participle is "backslid."

This word isn't used in many contexts outside of Christianity with the prominent exception of a Rancid song. Christian musicians who question their beliefs seem to gain the most notoriety. Nefarious musical backsliders include Amy Grant, Bob Dylan, Kris Kristofferson and David Bazan.

Christian culture views backsliding as something that can be prevented by one's earnest efforts. (In Christian culture, most faith-related things should involve earnest effort.) Backsliding isn't viewed with much clemency or seen as a valid and perhaps vital part of someone's spiritual journey. Ergo, 10 handy steps to stave away backsliding can be found by clicking here.

Those who admit to faltering faith typically receive a healthy dollop of rebuke and admonition from the Christian culture, followed by an urging to "do what's right." The notion that they are doing right by themselves and by God in being honest about their misgivings has little if any validity in Christian culture. But if the Bible is true then the God of the Bible can withstand questioning and even demands it. He blessed Jacob after Jacob wrestled with him and he didn't promise to spit his naysayers out of his mouth, only the lukewarm. Christian culture doesn't know quite what to do with this. Be warned that if you express your doubts or struggles to someone enmeshed in Christian culture these will be met with disapproval and handled with severity.

#153 Mother's Day

2010-05-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day doesn't have anything to do with Christianity, but Evangelical churches customarily make an event of it. The cover of the worship program says "Happy Mother's Day!" and moms present are asked to stand up mid-service while everyone applauds. In the Bible belt chrysanthemum corsages are distributed, identifying the breeders. The plight of the infertile or single woman (neither is exactly celebrated in Christian culture) doesn't seem to be an issue to those who orchestrated the special mommy recognition.

Recognizing mothers during church seems harmless enough and quite lovely really, and it is, if you haven't suffered a miscarriage, infertility or an abusive/absent mother. Statistically, many people attending a church service have been affected by at least one of these. A Mother's Day service couched in God-speak may not be what they need.

Such survivors feel conspicuous if they don't clap and smile during the applause portion of the program (clapping and smiling being the brick and mortar of Christian culture) so some posturing is assumed in order to endure the service. And it's a fresh, caustic hell for the woman who has miscarried to be asked by the guileless church greeter, "Are you a mother? Well you get a corsage if you are! No? Oh, it's a long story? Wait, don't cry. Come back! Jesus loves you!"

#152 Not the swimsuit issue

2010-05-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

Men in Christian culture see the swimsuit issue as their kryptonite. Some of them (like my dad) give Sports Illustrated strict instructions not to send it with their subscription. The rest of them (like the guys who were in Campus Crusade with me) dispose of it upon finding it in their mailbox.*

The week the swimsuit issue comes out is a heavy time for Every Man's Battle groups. Same goes double for the Victoria's Secret catalog.**

*Or at least they say they do.
**Or so I've been told.

#151 The National Day of Prayer

2010-05-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Christian culture has really thrown itself into preserving the National Day of Prayer. They very much want it to be recognized as a national institution and are rather put out that Franklin Graham was disinvited from speaking at the Pentagon's National Day of Prayer service after saying some inflammatory things about Muslims.

Christian culture seems to be more upset that Franklin was disinvited from speaking than they are that he called Islam "a very evil and wicked religion." They see this as speaking the truth in love, no matter how it comes off. But most of all they are really bent on urging Christians to preserve the godly foundations upon which America was built. They don't appear to know just how Christian the forefathers really were, or were not, rather. Investigating the truth behind that could lead down a rabbit trail and then they might have to consider the possibility that God could be bigger than a government and bigger than laws and that some of their efforts to help him out seem hateful and are actually hurting the cause. Then their perspective and possibly their belief systems would have to be reevaluated and hard questions would have to be asked and that would really make things uncomfortable and messy. It's so much easier to just accept what you've been told by people whom you have trusted. No one can argue with that.

#150 The unspoken prayer request

2010-05-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Before commencing group prayer each person is usually queried for their personal prayer requests. If the request is highly personal people sometimes say "I have an unspoken." (You don't say I have an unspoken prayer request, just I have an unspoken. The final two words are also unspoken.)

Announcing an unspoken prayer request leaves the rest of the group no choice but to speculate as to what could possibly be the matter. If a girl has requested "an unspoken" you may assume she needs prayer for her Woman Bits. If a guy has requested "an unspoken" you may assume he needs prayer for chronic masturbating.

The unspoken prayer request is meant to offset gossip via prayer request (as previously discussed here) but manages to spark gossip anyway. Unspoken-prayer-request gossip is even juicier than normal prayer-request gossip thanks to its speculative nature. If you have been entrenched in Christian culture for awhile then you know what will be assumed when you announce your unspoken need and often you will just let it go un-prayed for rather than invite any dirty presumptions.

#149 Calling the lobby the narthex

2010-04-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

During church announcements the pastor will reference the narthex ("Information on our outreach programs is located in the narthex," etc.) and you must infer its definition from the context. Even the warehouse-iest of church buildings call their warehouse-y lobbies the narthex as it perhaps lends a bit of elegance, like saying fo-yay instead of foy-yer (the latter pronunciation being common in the Bible belt).

According to Wikipedia the narthex is the entrance or lobby area located at the far end from the church's main altar and the name dates back to the Byzantine era. This is news to me as I've lived my entire life thinking that narthex is named after the north (narth, same difference) exit (hence the -ex) even if the exit does not face north. It's like when I finally learned the wind chill factor is not actually the windshield factor, and it's not measured by sticking your face out the window next to the windshield to see how cold it is. But I digress. How should I end this? Narthex is a hilarious word, and that's the moral of the story.

#148 Jack Bauer

2010-04-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Men in Christian culture have giant man-crushes on Jack Bauer. He is the prototype of Christian culture's ideal male, save for the profession of faith. He's macho, tenacious and tech-savvy (all qualities that Christian culture holds dear) and he's working his ass off under an apocalyptic deadline, which Christians can relate to. They even find themselves praying for Jack Bauer during the show and then laughingly confess to this when discussing last week's episode of 24 at Bible study.

#147 Saying "Great insight"

2010-04-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

"Great insight" is the response of choice when a person in Christian culture says something spiritually poignant. Sometimes the word "brother" or "man" is appended to the phrase. If they choose to elaborate they often will say "God is really using you to teach me something."

This saying runs amok in Christians' blog comments and on Twitter. Do a search to spy on it in its natural habitat.

#146 Mike Huckabee's stance on gay marriage

2010-04-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Mike Huckabee's recent statements on gay marriage made many American evangelicals quite pleased. Because boy howdy, Christian culture does not like the idea of gay marriage. They really, really, really do not. Christian culture feels strongly that legalizing gay marriage would hurt the institution of marriage and that it would be a shock to our fundamental understanding of human social relations and institutions. They also feel that legalizing gay marriage would cause God to bring his judgment against America.

Dr. James Dobson, who has been referred to as "the nation's most influential evangelical leader" by Time magazine, [1] also made this statement on the subject:

"Indeed, those charges are already being leveled against Christians who espouse biblical values. How about group marriage? Or marriage between daddies and little girls? Or marriage between a man and his donkey? Anything allegedly linked to civil rights will be doable, and the legal underpinnings for marriage will have been destroyed." [2]

The possibility of donkey marriage becoming legal is terrifying to people who hold moral conventions close to their hearts. But Jesus did not endorse morals or politics. Jesus endorsed love and relationship. In particular, he endorsed showing unmerited favor (i.e., grace) to members of society whom the Pharisees deemed unsavory (i.e., tax collectors and prostitutes. Do homosexuals fall in this category?). Making same-sex marriage legal would mean Christians would have to relinquish some political and moral control and trust the issue to God. It is quite a conundrum for the Christian culture, indeed.

#145 Saying that they "married out of their league"

2010-04-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

Men in Christian culture like to say they have "married up" or "married out of their league." They make a point to speak of their wife in glowing terms as often as possible.

Phrases often heard from the husband include:

"What did she ever seen in me?"
"How did I get so blessed?"
"Yes, I married up!"
"My wife is way better looking and smarter than me."
"I married way out of my league!"

Likewise, women in Christian culture use their own sanctioned vernacular when referencing their husbands. The nuances of this will be explored in a future post.

#144 The word "should"

2010-04-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

Christian culture is all oiled up in "ought" and encrusted with "should." Should you do something or shouldn't you? The earnest Christian-culturist can ask down to the tiniest little things, and it's endless. Best case scenario, you can relinquish some guilt and start asking how valid the advice is. Worst case scenario, it will put you on the horns of a dilemma and keep you there.

Christian culture has a lot to say about what you should do in any number of scenarios. People never stop asking their spiritual authority figures what they should and shouldn't do.

Jesus got this a lot from the Pharisees. "What should I do in this situation? How many times should I forgive? Should I pay taxes? What should I do to enter the kingdom of heaven?" but he never gave them a pat answer. He told them "wrong question" and gave them something new to think about. It hacked them off.

Christ promised freedom but should-ing yourself to death doesn't feel much like freedom. The black-and-white is easy. Not having a pat answer is frustrating. How should we then live? It's a dilemma for Christian culture, all right.

#143 Spiritual gifts

2010-04-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

Spiritual gifts were outlined in some of Paul's letters and today are the Christian culture equivalent of astrological signs. Both spiritual gifts and astrological signs have handy charts devised from ancient lore which people use to find their gifting/predisposition/reason for being lovely/reason for being a choad.

Some of the gifts Paul talked about are prophecy, ministry, teaching, exhortion, giving, leading, compassion, wisdom, knowledge, speaking in tongues, interpreting said tongues, and healing. Hey, that's twelve! Just like there are twelve astrological signs. Nah, there are probably more spiritual gifts to be wrung out than that. When it comes to Christian culture, there is always more Stuff you can Do.

Once someone has discerned their spiritual gifting they are usually quite excited to put it to good use. In this writer's case, her alleged gifting has prompted her to proffer "inspired" advice, casually ask intrusive questions, and tell her college roommate with immense smugness that she ought to take down that Metallica poster.

#142 Waxing authentic

2010-04-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

Christian culture likes to reference their authenticity. This is interesting because actual authenticity needs no pronouncement. People can smell it on you like you can smell homeschool on the Duggars.

#141 Teaching small children about the crucifixion

2010-03-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

An interesting paradox in Christian culture takes place this time of year. Christian culture normally doesn't endorse graphic depictions of violence, but come Eastertide they rent The Passion of the Christ (rated R for its violence) and encourage their children to draw pictures of the crucifixion. This is not only completely normal to them, it is seen as educational and even wholesome.

Usually Christian culture is pretty outspoken against violence in movies and video games, and they've even devoted periodicals to the parsing of positive and negative content in movies and TV. Then you have Easter. In Sunday school small children draw a smiling Jesus on the cross with red crayon scrawled all over him, holes in his hands and feet, and a big gash in his side. Their parents hang these pictures on the refrigerator.

When it comes to Jesus, three-year-olds may absolutely create art projects with a grisly ancient execution theme. It's not only permissible, it's encouraged.

#140 Saying "hanging" instead of "hanging out"

2010-03-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Christian culture tends to omit the word "out" from the term "hanging out." They just "hang." They want to hang with you, with their hot wife, with the new church planter, and most of all with the fam.

You hardly ever hear people say they are "hanging with the fam" or "let's hang!" outside of Christian culture. When you do hear this it's a safe bet that person is either Acts 29, a youth pastor, Dane Cook, or Canadian.

#139 Pew PDA

2010-03-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

PDA (public display of affection) takes a specific form in the church pew. When a married couple sits together in church it's understood that the husband will put his arm around the wife and he'll keep it there until it's time to get a hymnal. After the hymnal is retrieved the arm resumes its rightful position like a reflex. The people in the pews behind them are to understand that they have a Good Marriage.

If a couple is engaged or dating, the Pew D. A. can get cheeky. Backrubs are performed with one hand and heads are leaned on shoulders. This is absolutely acceptable in the evangelical worship setting. Dating couples can really get into the back rubbing and you might wonder if they're about to throw down under the hymnal racks. Occasionally they'll each manage to get an arm around the other and rest them along the back of the pew. This is called the Double Reacharound and is performed almost exclusively by new couples.

Whenever the pastor says something pithy or spiritually poignant the man friend will squeeze his ladyfriend's shoulder and they'll exchange a tender glance. If you are single when you observe this (or even if you're not) you may suffer nausea, dizziness, or lack of faith. This is normal. If you continue to experience these symptoms after you leave the church building, maybe you shouldn't go back for awhile.

#138 The history of St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be an emergent Christian on St. Patrick's Day. You get to tweet and blog about the missional relevance of St. Patrick, and missional relevance is your favorite subject.

It goes with the territory of the Christian hipster epidemic and its affinity for "acting and thinking Catholic," as discussed here. Pontificating on St. Patrick is extra fun for those in seminary or seminary's inferior cousin, Bible college. They reckon that with their higher education they can inspire others to soldier forth as St. Patrick did, all while making sure you know about their affinity for beer. They are certain to slip it in there. It's important to them that you know they're not legalistic or anything about alcohol.

Visit a relevant Christian's blog today or check his Facebook status and tweets. He's sure to have written something about St. Patrick, probably something about him being a "rebellious teenager" before being sold into slavery and from there had a spiritual epiphany and ministered to the heathen Celtics before his untimely death. They'll be sure to include his breastplate prayer about God being before him, behind him, above him, in him and through him, all of which beg the question my five-year-old asked, "If God is everywhere, is he in my underwear?" That's the next question I'd like missional theology to broach.

#137 Sneaking onstage during prayer

2010-03-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

When the pastor finishes the sermon and says "Let's close in prayer," this is usually the band's cue to sneak silently back onstage. With every head bowed and every eye presumably closed they skulk back to their seats, quiet as death. The stealth is palpable. You could cut it with a knife. It's hard to concentrate on the prayer because you're nervous on their behalf as they try not to brush the cymbals or knock over music stands. Also perceptible is their urgency to be seated before the prayer is over, as to have materialized while we weren't looking. It's a relief when the pastor says "Amen" and you don't have to be nervous for them anymore.

#136 Pogo dancing

2010-03-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

Pogo dancing is assumed to have started with the Sex Pistols in the late 1970s. Now it enjoys ubiquity at Hillsong United concerts, Chris Tomlin concerts, and the like.

The original pogo was higher and more erratic. Violent pogo becomes mosh pit. People become tired of getting bruised in mosh pit, thus reversion to a newer gentler pogo suitable for CCM. (Here is "Pogo Dancing" by The Vibrators with good quotable lyrics, and also some pogo action at a worship service.)

Sid Vicious was a true pioneer in expression of Christian euphoria.

#135 Concealing the pastor's salary

2010-03-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

Most Christian churches don't have a problem disclosing their financial records to whomever asks. Many of them make a point of providing a public record of every cent they give away and how much is spent on materials and staff salaries. Other churches aren't that forthcoming. Like the Mormons, they have pretty tight control over their financial disclosure policies.

Maybe these churches conceal the pastor's salary because it is embarrassingly low. This is definitely the case for many pastors...actually, most pastors. And maybe the churches that don't disclose their pastor's salary do this because it is high. But how high? We'll probably never know, but we do know from his new rims and Dsquared jeans that it's above the poverty line.

There are certain traits that predispose a church to maintaining salary secrecy. If a church:

-is remarkably large
- is multi-site
- is touted as one of the "fastest-growing" in America
- has a "lead," "speaking" or "founding" pastor
- is Acts 29

then there is an increased chance you'll have a hard time getting their unabridged financial information. Having these traits doesn't automatically mean they conceal staff salaries, of course. They just help.

Here is a fun experiment you can try with any church of your choosing. Ask to see their yearly financial report. They will either ignore you or provide you with a Word document. If you receive a document it might have one big number covering all salaries and you have no way of knowing what each staff member is paid, let alone their patriarch. Now here is where it gets interesting. If you inquire further, there's an excellent chance they will bristle and then shame you for asking. Stand strong. Maybe they want to avoid the fate of Anaias and Sapphira, and who could really blame them.

If a church has a tight reign on their spending disclosure, they often claim that their church financial records are accountable to a board of trustees. If you press further, you will likely find that said trustees live out of state and also pastor their own megachurches. What was that? My spidey sense is tingling! Or maybe it was just my imagination. No wait...now the lead pastor is getting into his Escalade and heading home to his gated community. Yeah. That was my spidey sense, all right.

This post originally appeared at Beliefnet, the original post and its comment thread are here.

#134 Worship leaders saying the lines before they are sung

2010-03-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

The worship leader is into it and he hopes you are too. The words to the song are up there on the jumbotron but he will close his eyes and say them for you a few bars ahead of time, Barry White-style. He is feelin' it.

#133 Kirk Cameron

2010-02-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

Christian culture advocate Kirk Cameron (aka Mike Seaver) released a statement after his lovable compadre Andrew Koenig (aka Boner) passed away. "At a time like this, we are all reminded of the briefness of life and the importance of being ready for our eternal destination."

Kirk's giving it to you straight. Dare you click "skip intro"?

This statement is pretty loyal to Christian culture's preoccupation with timelines and the attaining of goals. Christian culture doesn't spend much time wondering if there is any value in process and journey. Maybe if we're lucky they will both prove to be valuable, and if we're really lucky we might realize heaven and hell exist beyond biblica metaphor. And if we're really, really lucky, Kirk will release a statement apologizing for the raciness of costarring with somebody named Boner.

#132 Facebook fan pages for pastors

2010-02-25T11:29:00.000-08:00

What more relevant way to encourage and shepherd your flock than via fan page? Lots of these exist on Facebook. They are created either by members of their church or by the pastor himself masquerading as a member of the church.

Since there isn't a Facebook fan page category for pastors, the fanatic-inspiring pastor is sometimes categorized as a "musician." No one raises an eyebrow. Fan page? Sure. Musician? Why not? He's a man of God!

Some of these pages have tens of thousands of fans. Said fans use the page to leave copious messages and pressing questions that the pastor could never respond to due to his mortaldom. But maybe they don't see him as a mere mortal. Maybe once he's fan-page-worthy he's approaching the realm of exalted figurehead. This sort of mindset turns the pastor into an untouchable celebrity rather than a friend and companion in seeking God. Hi, conflict of interests.

#130 The short engagement

2010-02-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

When couples in Christian culture get engaged they are encouraged to keep their engagement short. The engagement period is considered a ticking time bomb because of the difficulty of "staying pure."

If they're not already covertly Doing It, some couples try to deal with the purity situation by not kissing until the altar. Others, after spending time in prayer about it, will allow themselves some passionate hand-holding. Others may decide (prayerfully) that they will kiss "but that's it," and the rest furtively dry hump their engagement away.

In any event, limping to the finish with the last dregs of virginity intact is considered by Christian culture to be a technical success, but any missteps up to that point can be a source of shame the couple may cling to for years. Some couples tell their woeful tale to their church's singles or youth ministries as a sort of community service so that the young upstarts won't make their same mistakes. The singles and youth eventually become nauseatingly familiar with the details of the regrettable gaffe(s) and while the couple is careful never to present these stories in an appealing light, they manage to be strangely compelling anyway.

#131 The hip-hop hug

2010-02-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

As the Christian side hug gains notoriety, another type of hug seems to be evolving.

Since fewer people want to perform the prudish side hug it is morphing into the hip-hop hug, i.e., the half-hug where only half of each person's chestal region come into contact.

As with the side hug, everyone's naughty bits manage to steer clear of each other except that one boob gets mashed against the guy, so it's sort of a win and sort of a fail, depending on who you ask.

#129 Looking down on denominations that don't observe Lent

2010-02-19T16:24:00.000-08:00

It goes both ways. Christians feeling superior to each other is a smug little tendency that's old as dirt. Different traditions across denominations that aren't biblically mandated still manage to make people feel their church has got it right and the others don't. It just feels so good to fancy yourself the more evolved believer. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beeeeeeast.

#128 Not observing Lent

2010-02-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

Evangelicals don't do Lent. If you ask one of them what Lent is even about, there is an excellent chance that they won't be able to tell you. To them it's a Catholic thing.

Lent has been a Christian tradition since the second century that for some reason has fallen out of favor with the evangelicals. It is observed in the Protestant realm primarily by Anglicans, and the Lutherans, Methodists and Presbyterians also pay attention to it. But Baptist, Bible and non-denominational churches pay it no mind. (Curiously, the denominations that do not observe Lent are the same ones that are more likely to joke about the wedding night during a wedding ceremony, and vice versa. This is an extremely random yet accurate correlation.)

Lent is a somber season to be sure, heavy on seeking and self-reflection and getting rid of distractions, that eventually culminates in the celebration of Easter. Now, Easter is something the evangelicals will get behind. They celebrate the living hell out of it.