Thursday, August 27, 2009

#96 Playing Guitar Praise in lieu of Guitar Hero

Christian culture needed an alternative to the degenerate Guitar Hero, so they made their own version. Now you don't have to pretend to play guitar along to secular music. With Guitar Praise you can pretend to play guitar along to Christian music that has been run through Auto-Tune and injected with silicone.

Guitar Praise lets you “rock out” to contemporary Christian songs that each sound like a Creed/Jonas Brothers mash-up. The website for Guitar Praise says “You’ll soon be rockin’ with the best while praising the Lord!”

Christian culture's idea of “rockin'” is as questionable as their definition of the word “best.” Rather than violate your soul with secular music, violate your senses with this! Is God glorified by the Christian-ifying of video games? Christian culture seems to think so.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

#95 Being skeptical that Catholics are saved

Christian culture is not having it. They think it's nice that Catholics believe in God, but that praying to Mary is a big problem. On top of that you have the pope, confessionals, transubstantiation, and the special Catholic bible with the extra books in it. Plus, Catholics are a little too comfortable with alcohol for American evangelicals' liking. All of these factors combine to put Catholics in unsaved territory as far as Christian culture is concerned.

Christian culture maintains that Catholics use rituals to earn God's favor rather than accept grace through faith. At the same time, Christian culture has its own rituals (written and unwritten) that can replace faith and keep them in the cycle of Doing Things and Avoiding Relationship. As we've discussed in a previous post, doing things and avoiding true relationship is a hallmark of Christian culture.

Monday, August 10, 2009

#94 Jesus fish decals

In early Christianity they had to be sneaky. People drew Jesus fish to symbolize they were Christians because saying so was rather dangerous in ancient Rome.

Today the rate of savage religious persecution in north America is at an all-time low, while the Jesus fish enjoys ubiquity on car bumpers. The question is, why? Do they think it's some sort of advertising? Good thing that car had a Jesus fish so you can tell it was a Christian who just cut you off.

A popular incarnation is the sideways-turned support-the-troops ribbon.
Two birds, one stone!

The Jesus fish frequently appears in tandem with conservative bumper stickers. It very seldom appears alongside a liberal sticker. Sometimes it is even observed to be eating a delicious Darwin fish. (That'll show them.)

Nom nom nom

Fun fact: If you use the term "Jesus fish" while talking to a Christian, chances are they'll be
happy to tell you that it's actually called an ichthus and that it's spelled ΙΧΘΥΣ.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

#93 Saying you're married to your best friend

Christians aren’t the only people who say this, but they make up 93% of the people who do. The remaining 7% are some rogue non-Christians who are unabashed corndogs.

In a Christian's blog profile it's categorically impossible for the spouse-as-best-friend declaration to be made without also stating that they love God most of all.

Married people who are not Christians generally don't announce that their spouse is their best friend. Christian culture might counter that this is because Christians have better marriages, but the divorce rate in the church would not support that hypothesis.